*
i know well enough that fighting these feelings with caffeine is not a good idea. But it's my only option, i guess.
*
i'm not ok. i promise.
*
being cyclothymic makes feelings and sensations even more confusing. Am i sad? Is it dysthymia? i never know.
*
i am sad. Immenselly. More than i can take. It hurts. It makes everything else hurt. My body, my heart, the painful sensation of a foot crushing my heart. The helpless desperation. The silent screaming, running through my body. The outbursts of tears. The urge to stick my nails into my flesh, to crash into a wall, to jump out a window. Argh! The exhaustion. The desire to disappear. The binging. The self-pity. i want to run, run, run, but i cannot get on my feet.
i know well enough that fighting these feelings with caffeine is not a good idea. But it's my only option, i guess.
*
i'm not ok. i promise.
*
being cyclothymic makes feelings and sensations even more confusing. Am i sad? Is it dysthymia? i never know.
*
i am sad. Immenselly. More than i can take. It hurts. It makes everything else hurt. My body, my heart, the painful sensation of a foot crushing my heart. The helpless desperation. The silent screaming, running through my body. The outbursts of tears. The urge to stick my nails into my flesh, to crash into a wall, to jump out a window. Argh! The exhaustion. The desire to disappear. The binging. The self-pity. i want to run, run, run, but i cannot get on my feet.
*
i was hoping to escape this crisis whilst recovering from surgery, but surgery is postponed till the a-holes from the health insurance let me do it. So no.
*
i panic under pressure. i don't respond well to stress. It takes me from one to two days to assimilate new elements to an equation. i feel like i could drop everything i pick up.
*
so thank You for the venom. i am glad You are home. i am thankful for the gifts.
*
(and You never know when to stop).
*
please tell me THEY will never hurt me.
*
i need praise. i need the walking 10 extra miles to do something better than trash. my best is never enough. i need being told to try harder, and i need being stopped from quitting. i am a quitter. i am a procrastinator. i am a lazy unworthy bitch.
*
i need being acknowledged. And i need a hug.
*
but none of these will ever be mine. So i'll just stay in the dark till i forget who i am, i'll turn up the covers and the volume so i will no longer be able to hear my thoughts.
*
i'll let You get the best of me. No matter what way i look, the options hurt too fucking much. So i'll choose not to choose.
remember?*
"So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill"
"and well I find it hard to stay,
with the words you say
Oh baby let me in"
*
Let me in. It's cold and dark and scary on this side of the door.
*
but You couldn't possibly know.
*
*
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