Wednesday, July 25, 2007

*Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn*

*
i swear i am giving 110% to feel happy. And the reason i am trying so hard is that as i can imagine it, both paths look gloomy, so this one may be the sunshiny one. But that sunshine is taking an awful long time to show.
*
i tried hard yesterday too. Work, working out, making lunch, rehearsing, doing things...
rehearsal:





But there is this sea of sadness that comes in waves and like the tide threatens to drown me. i swear. Or do you think i cry on the treadmill for show?
*
The side effects of these meds are amazing. i only got half way through dance class because then i lost most of my motor coordination and got really dizzy. But i am feeling ok now.



i love pink.
Now i only need the sunshine and the flowers, marilyn manson and the white stripes... Marshmellow and gummi bears, peaches and scissor sisters, chocolate and a milk shake. i guess i'll have the milk shake today, since the sky is grey and the day is cold and rainy, again.

*
(at times it seems He has fun seeing me cry).
*
After dance class i drew the birthday girl a dress and put my stuff together. He told me i suck.
...
Which made me think today... has He ever said something good about me that was spontanous and not requested?
*

The cold comes from inside. Inside me.
*
Though freedom feels even more terrifying. Maybe it's that tattoo, maybe it's me. i need as much attention as a puppy or a kitten...
*
yeah... be strong.
*
"Well, there's three people in my head that have the answer And one of them's got to be you But you're holding tight to it -- the answer Singin' these three hundred mile per hour outpour blues" (300 mph torrential outpour blues - the white stripes)
*
It felt strange to drink only water last night. But its healthy, i guess. i performed "Murder", then changed to surprise the birthday girl. It was fun... She is also a slave, but she looks so happy.
Last night:






*
i noticed i no longer smile when i am all alone with Him... probably because He always finds a way to make me cry. C'est la vie. * Time to get on with life. My hair needs washing, so does the laundry, and my nails need doing.
*
Life...
*
Guess i'll bake a pineapple cake tomorrow or something.
*
i love Him so much it hurts even harder. Oh boy...
*
Eat me, Drink me... Time for a cup of coffee, a hot shower and disturbingly loud marilyn manson. My mouth tastes bitter today. Where has all the sweetness gone?
*
Why can't You do right, like some other men do?
*
(smile like you mean it)
*

No comments: