Saturday, October 13, 2007

*down the bumpy road of life*

*
i had forgotten what it was like. Stopping people. People pointing. Children staring. Some people laugh and mock me, others come up to me to tell me how much they loved my look. But it was fun. What? Dressing up Visual Kei - Sweet and Gothic Lolita to do ordinary and casual things. The bad part... it gets scary at times. An old italian man came up to me and kissed my cheek. People stopped me to ask for photographs. And my feet hurt...

...
But it was fun. Ok, a bit painful (shoes + tight-lacing + walking a lot under the hot sun) but fun.








...
And all i have other than that are mixed feelings. i cannot forgive Him but i cannot leave either. He doesn't understand why i am all moody (that + PMS) and keeps making things harder for me.
...
i hinted that He may be losing me . I told Him i will never be a masochist. He called it "natural selection". Guess that means He doesn't care?
...
i won't be satisfied until i see Him cry. i have cried oceans for Him, after all.
*
Random: i'm starting to get a slight tan on the upper part of my body. i hate that. But i just can't make myself refrain from the outdoors.
*
So, saturday.
.
Gym from 7 to 9 am. i MUST work-out if i wish to tight-lace seriously, otherwise certain muscles may lose tonus and i will be forced to always wear a corset. And i am trying to take the TL slow... because of the number of risks involved.
.
Shower. Breakfast. Curling hair. i finally left home at 11. i took the train and the subway downtown Sao Paulo. Some guy stopped me to ask about my skirt. "i made it", i told him. Then this trio comes up to me and takes some photos. i finally am on my way.
...
i buy a fake knife and pearls, red and black lipstick at the costume shop. Cute fabrics, accessories, and parts for making tassles. Up and down hill, in the middle of a huge crowd. i should know better than going to Rua 25 de marco on a saturday.
.
He had told me He would leave home after lunch to meet me at the Municipal Market (which was also crowded). i call Him at 2 pm... He hasn't left home yet and i am done with my shopping. Fine, i wait. i'm hungry but i'll wait for Him to eat the famous baloney sandwich... such a crime. This sandwich is one of the reasons i am glad i now occasionally eat red meat.

The market:
The sandwich:
.
So i wait, and wait, and wait. He arrives a bit past 3 pm. We go shopping for cheese and italian bread, olives, and other typical produce. He makes me carry the shopping, i can barely carry myself. Finally, after 4 pm, we eat.
.
We leave the Municipal Market and head to Liberdade, mostly for Melona (a korean icecream) and because i'm dying for this Chinese jell-o with these mysterious balls inside. Whatever it is, i love it. We have our ice creams (watermelon flavor for me) and head home.
.
Its 6 pm when i remove my corset. i've been wearing it for 9 hours.
.
Photos... tequila, beer, letting Him fuck me (i'm losing sensation again), and watching japanese cartoons.
*

*
And He slept at His daughters house again. When He told me i was half asleep, so i believe the dialog goes a bit like this:
- "I'm sleeping there tonight".
- "Again?"
- "Yeah, it's children's day".
- "No it's not, children's day was yesterday. And You didn't even get me something".
He laughs. - "I was going to but i didn't have time. I didn't want to buy it in front of her or she would get jealous".
- "humph".
.
This dialog only occured because i was half asleep, dressed like a doll and cuddling in His arms.
.
In other words, off guard.



*
Yeah, i can be quite childish. But i love the doll part, surely.
*
End of story, i was asleep by 9 pm. Big girl, eh?
*
And i perform this afternoon, so i guess that despite the ugly ugly weather, i must get up, eat something and rehearse. Its 10 am already...
*
The world goes on spinning, don't it?
...
I´m really confused about everything now. And kind of hoping things will sort themselves out. If only He apologized...
*
this night will always be a bad memory:



Pacha - Wednesday, October 10th, 2007.
(at least i looked ok.)
*
"I was alone, staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget,
all manner of joy, all manner of glee,
and our one heroic pledge.

How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,
and the consequences.
I was confused, by the birds and the bees,
forgetting if i meant it.
...
I was alone, falling free, trying my best not to forget."

Meds - Placebo
*
mood: i don't know where sadness ends and laziness begins.
now playing: bill haley and his comets
*

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