Thursday, November 22, 2007

*and if we counted our blessings as we count our days.. (dance, dance, dance to the radio).*

*
I started writing this post yesterday, as i felt the first signs of hypo mania. A day later, i feel it roar inside me. The "Fuck-Off" knob has been turned to the max, and i cannot think straight. All that anxiety, the feeling my skin is two sizes too small, the nervous eating (i just ate 4 huge celery stalks to avoid something more caloric, and now i feel sick), the irritation... But tonight is the Fetish Party. And i am trying, oh i swear i am, to be agreeable. The week is almost over, i am going to miss my tap-dance class tonight because i am afraid to come back home alone at 10 pm, and i am tired.
.
This was a long week. And i think it will be a long night. Specially if i wear only my birthday suit to the party as He desires, later on.
.
Yes, i think this will be very interesting.
*
"We would go on as though nothing was wrong
And hide from these days to remain all alone
Staying in the same place, staring all the time
Touching from a distance, further all the time"

Transmission - Joy Division

*

*
Did you count your blessings this year? What are you thankful for? Its the day after Thanksgiving, and second only to Yom Kippur, i find it to be the most beautiful holiday (in meaning, at least) of all. Unfortunately, it is not a tradition in South America, much less in Brazil. But we are a receptive culture. And hopefully, in time, we will assimilate yet another North-American tradition.
.

I am thankful for:

- Being curious and creative, and loving Arts and Crafts.
- Being Healthy. Ok, i'm not THAT healthy, but that is mostly my fault and easily fixed.
- Having a changeable nature. Bad? Maybe sometimes, but it prevents me from developing any real bad habits and addictions. Like smoking or doing drugs.- Not being a picky eater. And loving to cook
- The education my parents gave me. Although i am no longer a nice Christian girl, the principles i learned from being a missionary in my early years are still here.- Being loved.
- Dancing. And dance classes. And music. I am very thankful for music.
- Finding beauty in unusual places.
- Having a computer available and an internet connection. I have learned so much through the internet.
- Having a job. For working at a place with such cool people where my "uncommon" nature is appreciated and where i can be and look like myself. And for my Dad having taught me to be an English teacher, which has kept me financially in all moments.
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Oh i was feeling so well yesterday. Where did that feeling go? And why the hell am i drinking vinegar? Go figure.*

*
So, the week. Monday felt like the whole of it, it was hectic. Probably because i decided to do all that needed to be done on the same day. And to work out. And i cooked all morning for the sake of my health. I guess these have been the first 5 days in months that i had over 3 meals a day, every day. And i haven't had any chocolate in its pure industrialized form since Sunday. My oh my.
.
Tuesday was a holiday. So He played with me, and then slept. I did more chores, and we went out for lunch. And grocery shopping. Out of nowhere Marta Stewart took over my body and i made (yeah, i MADE) our x-mas tree. Arts and crafts are fun. And pan pizza for dinner.
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Wednesday... Gym, farmers market, laundry, work, chores. Having class, teaching class, eating. Cooking and eating take up a lot of time, specially when you cook cute. I cooked up a simple dinner, and played Cooking Mama till bed time.


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I have been sleeping too little. All for the sake of getting things done. But now i eat when i feel faint. So i have been working out to make up for it. And sleeping in my corset to get the necessary 8 hours minimum for waist-training. My waist has reduced less than i expected, but i was wearing the corset very little. So far, i went from 64 to 61 cm. How far do i want to go? 50.
.
Thursday was a beautiful day. Early morning sex, coffee, going to the dentist, then looking for certain ingredients (i finally got those poppy seeds!), then making Omuraisu for lunch. Photoshop for food photos, using the computer and ditching jazz class to go to work. (Argh!). I made us a some Pasta with blue cheese and broccoli for dinner, and we watched Control.

.
Which may be the reason i woke up depressed. Not exactly depressed, but annoyed. Very annoyed. So i tried to walk it off on the treadmill. Didn't work. I did all my chores, like a good girl, and ate healthy things at the right time.
I took a nice hot shower, I started a project which i have been procrastinating on (a dress), and i went to work. Not only i taught todays classes, but left my material ready and prepared for tomorrow morning and (finally) worked on a tattoo design.
...
Guess i get productive when i am annoyed.
.
And all that leads to now. I'm too wound up to sleep, too mentally tired and hectic to do anything productive and alone till at least 11 pm. Guess i'll read food porn till then, now that i have a belly full of celery. Yeah, i know that that fuck-off button is on, but i'm not gonna binge on bread and pasta if i am gonna go out later in only my birthday suit. And maybe the fact i'm not working tonight, and only got one gig scheduled till the end of the year is also making me feel frustrated. Dunno.
*
Whatever.
*
Feeling all these things at the same time is terribly distressing. I want to dance till my feet bleed, to play Pump it Up and Puyo Puyo, Animal Crossing and Cooking Mama, eat and eat and eat, to do all my Christmas shopping in two hours, to fuck till my bits are numb, to get into a fight, to beat someone up, to drink till i fall, to jump, to dive into a pool, to see the sun rise, to have an extra-hot bloody mary, to sleep till i can no more, to watch something funny, to watch something sad, to laugh with my friends, to be alone, and to listen to music so loud i cannot hear myself thing... and now...
.
If it doesn't wind off till tomorrow morning, after the party, i'll take something. Otherwise... i fear i may get hurt. In some way.
*
mood: hypo maniac, anti-social and dangerous.
now playing: nothing. i don't know what i want to listen to right now.
*
(guess it's time to start getting serious about Xmas shopping.)
*
Mars turned retrograde yesterday. Uranus turns direct tomorrow. All we can do is wait and see.
*
P.s.: Remember those zombie photos i never posted? I was keeping them for a day i felt like today. So here they are. And this is how i feel...







*
i need to feel glamorous. You know... beautiful and special. Nothing like i feel now. I know, i know... next week. i have grown tired of this numbness. I want to feel, to feel!!!

(so how should i wear my hair tonight?)

"Its getting faster, moving faster now, its getting out of hand,
On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, its a no mans land,
Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now, -
Ive got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow.
What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again,
Im watching you, Im watching her, Ill take no pity from you friends,
Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling,
Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling,
Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling."

(Disorder - Joy Division)

*
Have a good weekend. Shabat Shalom.
*

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