Monday, December 10, 2007

*a praise chorus - and an all unedited photo entry*

*
i almost died, i think. My heart was pounding, my blood pressure was low, my speech was slurry, and i was breaking into cold sweat. i never thought that that amount of medicine would do so much harm. And i suffered through it for over 18 hours... i'll keep away from muscle relaxers from now on... 8 stiff ones plus a submarine don't make for a happy evening. But my head hurt/hurts and He kept slapping my forehead, so i punched Him lightly in the ribs (PMS) and He slapped my face real bad at the restaurant. At least i didn't cut myself. I kept rolling that razor blade in between my fingers while tears rolled down my face. And then i just took ALL the medicine i had in my purse, which accounted to 8 muscle relaxer tablets, 3 sinus pills and one aspirin.
...
that was last night.
*
What song brings you up no matter what? Whose lyrics pick your spirit up when you are down way past the ground?
...
This is mine:



...
(and every other song from that album. Jimmy Eat World has saved my life more times than i can imagine. And i'm only still in "the middle")

"Are you gonna live your life wonderin' standing in the back lookin' around?
Are you gonna waste your time thinkin' how you've grown up or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Or even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight."
...
I can't forget Mary Poppins, Rent, The Sound of Music and a nice cup of hot tea.
*
Despite all that has been going on, December is almost half-way through. It must be the shortest month of the year. i still have xmas shopping to do, and after seeing my pay-check this week, i'm a bit weary. Dunno how that will go. Yeah, xmas is once a year. But...
.
i'm worried about college. The transference enrollment started today at the college i want to attend, and it isn't very cheap. Considering i used to go to a public University, it's a big step. And i have to find time to go this week. i really hope i can still transfer, i stopped college two years ago and i really want back in. At some point, i still wanna graduate in Communication.
.
Also, i have to work out. i only danced last week and didnt have time to go to the gym. Makes me sad.
*
Last week was hardcore...
.
Thursday... I had to buy fabric and props, so i got my ass downtown. 25 de marco was not as bad as i imagined. And i bought my labret a proper sphere because the rhinestone fell out of the one i'm wearing. i was out all day, and stopped by the house only to edit the soundtrack for the performances and to pick up my dance gear. He made me cry when He got home... He asked me "what the HELL i was doing there". It hurt. But then i went to dance class and my teacher helped me put together a part of my "Evil night" number and my tap dance teacher drained the last drop of energy out of my body so i was too tired and too busy to be sad. i mean... it was an all-nighter. i started sewing at midnight, and well, i finished at midday. 12 hours at the sewing machine and a liter of coffee got me a lovely Christmas dress and marabou pasties, a Phantom of the Opera cape, pants that open with velcro on both sides (just customized, i couldn't make pants from scratch to save my life) and a long long satin boob binder.


1 liter of coffee and half a liter of milk.And a lot of sweetner.

Damn, i love my sewing machine.

and satin.
.
So on Friday i slept from 1:30 pm to 3. i know. Then i went to work. Work, and well, we had a xmas party too, with a "secret friend" drawing and all. It was nice, and i rehearsed when i got home.
.
Later that night i was an angel. A boy told me he reads this blog. i wonder where he found it. It felt strange. And then i did Santa Baby. The video is very dark, unfortunatelly, but i will try to edit it sometime soon so i can share it here.





He got mad at me because i did not slap off some guy who was gonna compliment me. So He went to His mother's. And i cried myself to sleep after a couple vodka shots at 5:30 am.
.
Then i got up at 7:30 and went to work. And to dance class. And then to work again.
.
Thinking about it, we never made amends to that. i mean, i passed out when i got home from work at 6 pm and woke up at 10 to put together a choreography so we never talked. i did the best i could in 1'30''.
.
He picks my scabs way before i get to heal. i'm afraid. But oh how i love Him.
.
For NOW, i guess we're ok.
.
Then we made it to Toy for my friends/colleagues good-bye party. It was fun. Very fun. But then we had to go to Luxuria so that i could dance.

.
It was interesting. And we ended the night with food and friends at our favorite bakery.

*
Obviously, yesterday i slept and slept and slept. And when we finally went out to eat with His friends, that happened. So today i mostly slept too, i was really drowsy and couldn't think stright. i managed to push myself throught work, and after making us a pan pizza dinner, i guess things will be ok.

.

i always thing that things will be ok. Won't they? I don't know, and not knowing makes me afraid.
*
There is a lot to be done. And only me to do it. No one else could do it for me. But i am thankful for all the cyber friends who care for me. Real people, even if i cannot see or touch them.
...
Damn, these cramps are killing me. Where was i? Oh yes, chocolate...
*
"Are you listening?
whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Sing it back, whoa oh oh oh oh oh
So tell me what do I need
(tell me what do I need)
whoa oh, whoa oh
When words lose their meaning
(When words lose their meaning)
whoa oh, whoa oh
I was spinning free, whoa oh oh oh oh oh
With a little sweet and simple numbing me.
Yeah, stumble till you crawl,
whoa oh oh oh oh oh
Sinking into sweet uncertainty"
Sweetness - Jimmy Eat World.
*
all of a sudden, i miss the beach.

.

somewhere, somehow, i could be so much more than this...
i could be much better, sometimes.
"I wanna be so much more than this.
Good Goodbye, lovely time
Good Goodbye, tinsel shine
Good Goodbye, I'll be fine
Good Goodbye, good goodnight."

(my sundown . Jimmy Eat World)
*
mood: super mega bitch descontrol, aka PMS.
now playing: Jimmy Eat World, of course.
i never baked those muffins.
(posted from the kitchen)
*


edit:

*
Santa told me, confidentially, this morning i'm getting that sewing machine. Weeee for ebay!
*
Its almost time to go to work, and i'm eating chinese cup noodles that taste like nothing with sesame oil. How cruel on myself.
*
Damn this Pms!
*
But i had something important to say... what was it again? Oh, yes... The Weekend Videos are up. So go and see them.
*
Xoxo,

sweetie
*

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