Wednesday, February 28, 2007

*...*

*
time is cheating on me. not fair!
*
i am just tired from the past days, so i took it easy today. too easy. because... i had forgotten what day is tomorrow.
*
and now i have to work till 10:30 pm and don't know what to do about tomorrow.
*
it' HIS special day.
*
fuck! i am such a nimrod. how could i have forgotten this year february has 28 days and not 29?
*
probably because i was so tired from being a housewife yesterday. i spent over 6 hours wearing a dust mask and yellow rubber gloves (not sexy, believe me) because i wanted everything to be perfect when Master arrived. and i taught an extra class at night time.
*
(Master never comments on when i clean the house. blah!)
*
i served Master when He arrived, then i read till late. He had to take me to the bathroom cuz i was too scared to go alone.
*
worked this morning, then read some more, and ate in bed. Slept, went to the doctor, heard the doctor tell me i'll have to get surgery (whatever), came home.
*
time for a shower and coffee, then i go to work.
*
i have no idea of what to do for tomorrow. too little time for arts'n'crafts, too little money to go to the mall buy Him a game or something. all i have are 20 bucks from the money He gave me on monday. and that's it.
*
stupid!
*
oh well, things will work themselves out. i have to go to work.
*

Monday, February 26, 2007

*reality check*


*
i spent a day in the real world today. under stress. improvising. and i am exhausted.
*
first, i couldnt sleep. then i prepped class and fell asleep at almost 4 am.
*
7 am - class, till 8:30. gym from 9 to 10:30. then a shower and a bit of rest.
*
at noon i got a phone call... extra class, at 2 pm. fine, i did some tidying up and had A LOT OF coffee.
*
class from 2 to 3:30, then picked up a medical exam, and went to buy hair dye and a few things i needed urgently for sewing projects. that was a 20 min walk (40min total).
*
my feet are cut.
*
my lunch? whole wheat cocoa and ginger cookies with icy lemon flavored green tea.
*
while i prepped class. then i taught, non-stop, from 6 t 10:30 pm. no piss breaks.
*
at this school, we have to stand up during the entire class. my legs hurt. yeah, i get to wear all the jewels, no questions asked. but i find some things strange.
*
next week i get my first pay check. unfortunatelly, not in time for Master's birthday.
*
i'm too tired to think right now... so i better hit the sheets because i have class at 7 am tomorrow.
*
my conclusion: the real world is boring, so no thanks.
*
(and thanks to Stephen King now i am afraid to take a decent piss. i'm re-reading "IT". and i keep thinking a hand is gonna come out of the toilet and rip my labia ladder off while i am on the john. ah, that adds to the terror i got from "Dream Catcher", where a pornographically shaped alien rips through peoples bodies from one hole to another... and not to mention arachnophobia, i always look under the seat for spiders.)
*
(i want new photos... but i don't have the time or inspiration)

*
i really should keep off trash lit. it's bad for my mental health.
*

*le freak c'est chic? nah!*

*
i'm drugged. yeah.
*
8 ounces of dripped strong coffee contain 170 miligrams of caffeine. my calculator tells me that i have had exactly 524,22 mg of caffeine up to now.
*
250 mg alter the heart rate. so instead of feeling great and perky i feel ahn... strange. (not to mention the stomach ache)
*
blah!
*
i would rather just read right now.
*
but chaos and confusion surround me (the apartment always looks like a WWIII scenario on mondays)
*
and i have enough chaos and confusion inside me.
*
why does the perspective of my boss watching my class this evening scare me? i'm not a bad teacher. argh!
*
fucking self-esteem.
*
(so much for falling asleep at almost 4 and getting up at 6:30)
*
i miss my Master.
*

my hair begs for something... anything. specially rethouching these boring pastel dirty blond roots that are peeking from a good 1,5 cm...
*
(sometimes, all i need is to hear that it will all be ok and that You will love me forever. even if it is a lie).
*

*where did that darn mr. sandman go?!!!*

*
its almost 3 am and i must get some sleep... i even prepped my classes for tomorrow hoping it would knock me out, but nope.
*
because starting tomorrow, i work mornings mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays and saturdays. and god, do i hate mornings!
*
plus Master is off for a two day business trip, so time alone = busy busy busy trying to make the most out of some ME time.
*
the past few days were drama, drama, drama, but i up on that later!!!
*
i need to catch my zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's!
*

Friday, February 23, 2007

*???*

*
lingering:
1 - is it ok to be cute over 30, or is 30 up necessarily a sexy age (i'll never be sexy) ?

2 - wtf am i gonna do for my Master's birthday next thursday? not even considering my current emotions and state of mind, my account is negative, i have no credit card and no ideas. suggestions?

*

i was wrong about one thing. my body is not going to start to hurt tomorrow. it already hurts.
*
and now back to "it", for more trash lit.
*

i miss closing my eyes and having the music take me to a better place...
*

*falling apart into place*

*
just a bit off...
*
tonight is performance night... and tomorow i work from 8 am to 1 pm. non-stop, basically.
*
i'm screwed.
*
but i DESPERATELY NEED to have fun.
*
i do.
*
i feel so numbed out i can't possibly live inside myself.
*
i finished the book at the gym. which means i worked out for an extra 70 minutes untill i finished the last page. which means i will be quite sore tomorrow.
*
fuck it! i love not having to be myself for a few hours.
*
will i do it again? all over? i don't want to but i want to.
*
i feel like a collector's toy these days. lonely, up on a shelf. once in a while He comes along and plays a bit with me so i wont break down or get rusty, but then i go back to that shelf. and it's lonely.
*
everything has had a bit of a grey tone to it these days. i just go by them.
*
well...
*
time to prep class.

*
yeah, i'm screwed.
*
and i miss my friends. i miss so much...
*
i miss being myself. i havent' been around much these days. and it makes me feel bad.
*
oh please, please, can't i come out and play?
*
...
"We saw the world and the world seemed smaller

We're getting wider but not getting no taller
I know we’ve grown up just a little lot of time
We're sleeping late but were not lazy
Were getting older but were still crazy
I’m so glad that I have these friends o mine"
*
been here, done this all already. i just want it to be different this time.
*
(i definitly miss being pampered... maybe i'm just not the "Girl all the bad guys want" anymore)
*

Thursday, February 22, 2007

*to the track of...*

*
definitely, being mildly depressed to the sound of bowling for soup is a lot better than to the sound of my chemical romance...
*
at least they try to bring me up
*
"Take a good look around
Does life really suck
Are we just complaining
I hope that this mic is on (testing 1, 2)
Cuz im on a roll here
I hope this is making some sense
I hope that you’ll throw up your hands and sing it
And tell all the haters that they should just shut up and smile, yeah"
*
time to get things in order.
*
blah!
*
well, as long for today, i worked out, read, did my nails and read...
*
i really should eat some food.
*
(and that is the other side of having an eating compulsion: i am afraid of food).
*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxusxrvtJZ8
shut up and smile!!!
beware fo the grey book worm!
*
i trully hope Master takes me to the tattoo parlor tomorrow. and tomorrow is performance night.
*
i had nightmares about it today.
*
argh.
*
so much for Stephen King (and i have another big book of his waiting for when i finish this one!!!)
*
i have reached the part in the book where i get anxious to go on. argh. wuss!
*

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

*a not so sweet wonderland*

*
not that i enjoy it, but it was carnival after all, and things got a bit "wild"...






*
not that i am feeling perky or anything...
*
i really should update on the weekend and carnival. but i'm just feeling sad and tired.
*
and nostalgic.
*
i just feel like warm tea and toast, and a good book. that's all.
*
i have a bad feeling about this. life always catches up with us. and i hate not being productive.
*
but i'm too tired to care right now.
*
blah!
*
i'm not ok (i promise).
*
even though You try so hard. sorry for being such a load.
*
and maybe, it's just my hormones. or the meds. or caffeine withdrawal. or whatever.
*
its just NOT Your fault. maybe its mine.
*
"Now come one come all to this tragic affair
Wipe off that makeup, what's in is despair
So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot
You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see
You can find out firsthand what it's like to be me

So gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye
I'd encourage your smiles I'll expect you won't cry
Another contusion, my funeral jag
Here's my resignation, I'll serve it in drag
You've got front row seats to the penitence ball
When I grow up I want to be nothing at all!
I said yeah, yeah! I said yeah, yeah!
C'mon C'mon C'mon I said(Save me!)
Get me the hell out of here(Save me!)
Too young to die and my dear(You can't!)
If you can hear me just walk away and(Take me!)"
(The End - My Chemical Romance)
*
i wish i didn't feel so... emo.
*
if i weren't so lazy (and so fat) i'd bake me a cake.
*
alas, comfort food.
*

Saturday, February 17, 2007

*post glamour depression*

*
it is an incredibly beautiful day outside. but i am still in last night's makeup, trying to get up and at it, because my dad arrives tomorrow morning, and i would like things to be a little organized at least, around here.
*
but well...
*
i just noticed i need an incredible amount of new makeup. argh. what they pay me for the performances barely pays for the quantity of make-up i put on each show...
*
and yesterday, yesterday all i wanted was to read, comfy in my pj's, sipping tea and nibbling toast
*
but it was so busy. i worked out, i tidied up, i made a cabaret compilation for my friend/agent, i rehearsed, i went to the library...
*
the new meds make me drowsy too.
*
but i took a nap after dinner with Master and i felt a bit better.
*
it was Madame Sata last night.
and i learned i am terrified of heights. well, the tiny stage (and covered in thin dust) was 2m above the floor... so i shaked my way through the music. but the public's reaction was great, and i love how they treat the performers well there. awell, i got to show my boobies, and i love it!

me and my friend, who is leaving for a while, unfortunatelly.

i wanna give you nightmares!
and well, we ended the night eating brownies and sipping chocolate, at the usual spot! i love it there...
*
Master is out picking up our new fridge. Finally, i was having to deal with a mini-bar up to now. Tough call.
*
but when it and He arrive, i will have tons to do. Plus we have a wedding to go to tonight.
*
i'm dying to get a new body mod. i am craving for new body jewelry. and there is a purse that i just HAVE to have... but all that will have to wait. one, i am broke. two, my first pay check (which will be hilarious) will pay for dance lessons and gear, and pretty much thats all it can pay for.
*
i know my mom is sending me some goodies... and tomorrow me, my bro, dad and Master will paint the town.
*
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee....
*
and well, Happy Fire Pig Year! i love this city, last weekend i took these photos from the early celebration (this weekend is carnival already, so everything is a bit crazy).

*
yes, i love SP. not only do they have an oriental neighborhood, they actually sell acai and acarajé along with tempurá and karê. That is what brazilian culture is all about babe... mix and match it.
*
i really hate having to take the makeup off.
*

Friday, February 16, 2007

*oh, dear we all go to hell*

*
the hardest part would be letting go of your dreams... but then again, why should you?
*
(they sold you soul and you never saw the money).
*

*
and if you tell me i'm an angel, will you swallow all your lies?
*
...
*
to do list for the day:
- work out
- tidy up
- return books at library
- rehearse
- performance
*
i started on my allergy meds today. so i'll be stoned for a while...
*
and yesterday... well, i played good girl
*
and spent most of my time in the kitchen, cooking.
*
horray for going out and speaking trash over beer!
*
bummers for having to burn it off now on the stair master.
*
blah!
*
i hate dripping things into my nostrils.
*

Thursday, February 15, 2007

*divine decadence*

*
it is divine to be decadent...

*
and now, a decent update...
*
sunday was trully awful. but monday, when i was alone, i really got depressed. pathetic sight, walking on the threadmill and crying. blah! i know the entire day was shit. and perhaps Master was tired at night, or still upset, since He hardly touched me.
*
tuesday was there... i learned procrastination = exhaustion. well, well or not, i had to get things done. i had a no-show student, then went by the doctors office to schedule my appointment. came home, worked out, tidied up, set out my performance outfit, remixed the file, then watched a lot of burlesque videos looking for ideas. Created my choreography, then rehearsed.
*
i set everything up, went to the doctor, then came home and left to meet Master.
*
at the doctors: as soon as i have all the meds (this afternoon), i start a 40 day treatment for my sinus and breathing problems. hopefully, it will work.
*
then... performance night. interview, and dancing. i got great rapport, and some nice guys from a tattoo parlor offered my a tattoo... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
*
on the performance:

as usual, 3 songs, remixed... trying to create one idea.
1: Bela Lugosi is dead
"White on white translucent black capes
Back on the rack
Bela Lugosi's dead
The bats have left the bell tower
The victims have been bled
Red velvet lines the black box
Bela Lugosi's dead
Undead undead undead
The virginal brides file past his tomb
Strewn with time's dead flowers
Bereft in deathly bloom
Alone in a darkened room
The count
Bela Logosi's dead
Undead undead undead"

2. Blood - My Chemical Romance (stripping moment)
"Well they encourage all complete cooperation,
Send you roses when they think you need to smile.
I can't control myself because I don't know how,
And they love me for it honestly, I'll be here for a while.

So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff!
Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough.
So give them blood, blood, blood.
Grab a glass because there's going to be a flood!

A celebrated man amongst the gurneys.
They can fix me proper with a bit of luck.
The doctors and the nurses they adore me so,
But it's really quite alarming cause I'm such an awful fuck. (Oh thank you!)

I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff,
I gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough.
I gave you blood, blood, blood,
I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love."

*
3. Always look on the bright side of life - Monty Python (happy moment, i'm a happy undead person)
"Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...


And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...


If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.


And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...


For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.


So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath


Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.


And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life..."


*
voilá. and people liked it. i liked it too. although i know my message wasn't as clear as i wished for, its still funny, it's still burlesque. and i had to encore, because my friend hadnt seen me dance.
*
i repeat this performance tomorrow, and the next friday, at different venues.
*
i was thinking yesterday... i have learned so much ever since i started in november. i made the pasties i wore this week, and dancing makes me pursue other things, hear new songs, watch other films, look at things with different eyes. now i only need to resume my dancing lessons, and things will get better and better.
*
it does put me down a bit though, that i do it alone. i would love to be a chorus girl, and not the solo dancer. well, i must wait. maybe, just maybe, i am making way for other girls. one can only hope. there are so few burlesque dancers in Brazil... and burlesque is so beautiful.
*
yesterday, wednesday, i was really sore, so i didn't work out. after this update i'm changing and going straight to that gym. i need the conditioning for the dancing. i also slept till late yesterday, then ate something for lunch, and prepped class. nothing special, i gave myself a break.
*
then i taught class, and waited for Master for us to go out.
*
and so we did. and because of my impatient behavior, He called my dumb again. it really hurts, and i think He didnt realize how ease it is to hurt me.
*
but we were ok afterwards. He stayed with me till i was fast asleep, then went to spend the night with His daughter.
*
...
*
early start today. another no-show. guess after carnival it will get better. so now, a proper update, then i go do my chores... i need to.
*
argh...
*
and i won't work for a week, due to carnival. weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! then i get to help a friend with his sewing project, hence improving my own sewing skills. i would love to.
*
enough? good, because there is life away from this screen.
*

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

*performance night*

*
so i'm off to rehearse!
*
*
"i gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff,i gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough.i gave you blood, blood, blood,i'm the kind of human wreckage that you love."
*

Sunday, February 11, 2007

*bimbo's r us*

*
with exception to the times i was physhically and sexually abused or rapped, today must have been the worst day ever.
*
imagine going out with the One you love and sweetly submit to, to something you were looking foward to (in this case, the celebration of the Chinese New Year, in the oriental side of town). imagine you are going to meet your brother to make up for not having seen him on his birthday. now imagine the One is acting nicely and politely. but He won't hold your hand back. or move His lips when you kiss them. and nudges you off when you go for His shoulder.
*

all fucking day long. He got me what i wanted to eat, bought me marshmellows, but no kisses. Not one single fucking kiss.
*
the past 48 hours must have been the most silent in my entire life.
*
yesterday He told me to shut up. i did. He had to beat me and give me alchool to make me talk again. then i told Him i want to be special, and great at something.
*
then He told me i am not special at all, and i am not even as smart as i think i am. That nothing matters.
*
that was the last thing that wasnt grunted at me.
*
so my face is a mess from weeping, and He left to sleep at His mother's. no, it's not that He can't see me cry. He did for hours, without moving.
*
tomorrow is gonna suck. if i am lucky, i'll be able to make it an active day and not stop to think about such things. i must clean the house. i must work out (i am a fat whale and i am not happy about it). i must teach class. i must find some $$$ somewhere because i need the props for my number and medicine. i must mix the songs for my number, create the choreography, sort out what i will wear and rehearse.
*
i hate the world today. and yesterday. and tomorrow.
*
You know, sometimes You can be a real fucking asshole.
*
i hate EVERYTHING about us right now. and i am starting to regret it.
*

what if??? (darn those conditional clauses)
*
i wanna hurt myself real bad so You can know what it is like. i wanna hurt myself real bad so i can hurt You.
*
baka!
*

Friday, February 9, 2007

*a certain sweetness (but please, no spinach)*

*
sometimes certain things people do make me feel a bit sad.
*
sometimes looking around makes me wonder when will i get my break, and if i really deserve it. if i actually deserve anything at all.
*
and when looking at the mirror gets me down, at least i have the clarity to know that that is my fault.
*
and now, who want's a good look at my stinky hole (only if i don't wash it every day)?
*
i found another pattern. i arrived in may. i was 3 months outta work. i worked for three months. i was three months outta work again. and now...
*
i always had this thing for number 3.
*
i've been a clumpsy fool these days. and weeeeeeeee for playing Worms Mayham for Xbox.
*
i think i found my song.
(and that is my lady bug...)
*
i know i start all my sentences with "i".
*
i knew it would happen, sooner or later. my right nostril stud got caught on my septum ring yesterday. that was painful.
*
no damage done, yet.
*
i feel scared of life today. somedays i wish never had to go outside.
*
but i face the music and dance.
*
s-o-m-e-t-i-m-e-s
*

Thursday, February 8, 2007

*a bushel and a peck (just don't forget to bring the sugar, sweetie)*

*
ctrl+a to read the post beneath...
*
...

*
oui

*
" i love you, a bushel and a peck! A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck! A hug around the neck, and a barrel and a heap A barrel and a heap, and i'm talkin' in my sleep. About You. About You! About You! my heart is leapin'! i'm having trouble sleepin'! 'Cause i love You, a bushel and a peck You bet your pretty neck i do! "
*
i just don't sleep well when You are away.
*
i miss it:


*
i really need to find the soundtrack for the next number...
*
so it's been all that jazz for the past days.
*
tuesday was just purrr-fect. not!
*
that will teach me not to use velcro with plush. my dress opened way before time, about 9 times.
*
but other than that, the performance went well.
*
and it was good night and a fuck, and good morning and a fuck.
*
that is what i call serving Him well.
*
but then...
*

*
hell broke loose?
*
well, now You are here. but yesterday. After a perfect morning, i was stood up at work. Again. This is starting to suck. It was the same today.
*
but You picked me up at the school. and we went to the supermarket, get the shopping done. 24/7 is fun, but the practical aspects are still there.
*
maybe You were tired. and the girl was with us, tired as well. but it hurt when You took it out on me.
*
(sighs...)
*
then, well. i put everything in place and tried to sleep. Around 5 am i guess i was succesful.
*
but then, weeeeeeeeeeeee... i woke up with You by my side.
*
i went to the docter, then came home to make sicilian pasta for us. italian food and red wine are just perfect on a rainy grey thursday.
*
napping, napping, nappy. i must keep an eye out for it. if i overdo it, it means the "down low" is nearby.
*
and i was stood up again at work, did i mention?
*
but it made for fun and unusual conversation. sometimes i forget i still actually blush.
*
now, whatever. i have to get that song right for tomorrow, so i can work on everything else.
*
it just has to be great.
*
may the burlesque goods of fate shine down on me, nay? yay!
*
blahs!
*

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

*gasping for air*

*
and that isn't figured speech, darling dear.
*
*
oh well.
*
its a fucking painful sinus infection.
*
and i perform tonight.
*
because of my birthday, of the infection and of my own laziness, i havent worked out in over a week.
*
so that means it wont be a pleasent scene tonight.

*
i know i am responsible for my own body.
*
blah!

*
yesterday i spent the day gasping for air. then i went to work, and worked.

*
i went home to get a book i had forgotten in the time between my classes. i ended up making some instant soup for dinner as Master arrived while i was there. then i went back to school.
*
my last class was a no-show. that sucked.
*
Master was extra sweet with me at bed time. He rubbed ointment on my back, and tucked me in tightly.
*
i had to get up early to teach again this morning.
*
i'll get the hang of it, i suppose.
*
air, air, i need air!

*
it's my bro's b-day today. i wish there was something i could do for him.
*
(i can hardly take care of myself)
*
anyway, i got to rehearse, and later go to the mall. i've been promising that to myself for a while. Incredible how long it has been since the last time.
*
*
tonight i am cat woman again. meow!

(i feel awful today, i really do. maybe it's a hair ball?)
*

Monday, February 5, 2007

brand new me???!!!

*
so, another blog.
*
why?
*
i hate how the photo thing works in myspace. it sucks!
*
and i can't completely be myself at SG.
*
so i have this one now.
*
...
*
now bear with me. no, not beer. Bear.
*
it was my special day:



its called the forth drink instinct (and that is absinthe in my glass):



"But the alcohol didn't let her understand"



it was my birthday gift to myself. the dress. i made it. i love it. but it's hard to get in and out of it.




































*
so, about birthday gifts. Master gave me a fetish shining vynil skirt and top...
and my mother-in-law gave me to bra and undies sets... and i was like,
what?
*
it was my birthday. and first day at work.
i was sleepy. but class was good. (and i have to prep class for today, still)
*
i made cake. i cuddled. my brother came over and we played videogame (and he gave me HIS drink shaker, which was absolutely totally sweet). i watched a Jackie Chan movie. Master and i went clubbing. i drank. i dance. i had forgotten how delightfull it can be to go out without having to work. we got wasted. we slept in the car till He was sober enough to drive.
*
it rocked!
*
yesterday. hangover. being fucked. going out for lunch. watching Nacho Libre. being fucked again. being spanked.

*
then His daughter's birthday party. playing Game Boy color and DS. eating (my tummy hurts). eating. eating. drinking soda. more soda. more soda.
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feeling cold.
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cuddling.
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and now, i woke up sick. again.
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what's it with monday mornings? today is fucking beautiful, and i hate to waste such a day.
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so i better turn the computer off.
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blah!
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(i hate my sinus).
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