*threnody*

*
have you ever loved someone desperately?

have you ever loved someone who made you feel lonely?

have you ever loved someone who 9 out of 10 times made you wonder if he/she cared?

have you ever loved someone who made you hate yourself?

have you ever loved someone?

have you ever loved`?

have you ever?

have you?

you?

...

what if you doubt a love you cannot live without?

*

the rest of my life... it's going to kill me.

*
i'll think about the weekend tomorrow.
*

(so i reached this point already).
*

*tonight*

*
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! for butterflies in the stomach.

damn, i love the stage!
*

*let's do it one more time with feeling*

*
1. i'm really happy.

2. i'm really tired.

3. i'm in pain. It would be worse if i weren't doped on pain killers and muscle relaxers.
4. i am hungry. Very hungry. All i ate all day was half a small papaya. And i refuse to eat anything but what i am craving for since yesterday: Misso Ramen. But i'm kind of relunctant to go cook it because of numbers 2 and 3.
*
So i'm really happy. Three good reasons are that my number is all wrapped up and ready to go. Rehearsed (which explains why i'm both sore and tired), makeup concept designed, everything ready. Even the CD was burned already. i really love the outfit (spoiler below) and the songs. It's a bit long, a bit over 7 minutes, but it's ok. And it's slow and sultry and full of wailing saxophones. Lot's of bumping and grinding there...

...

and i decided to put the videos from my performances up. i don't know when, but at least i know i will.

...
The second reason i am happy is that i've been chatting with a local photographer who is shooting sets for SG, and we are working on the concept for the next try. The shoot itself will take a while to happen, but projects always make me feel better. Sense of purpose, you know?

..
And main reason i am happy is that i got a BIG package in the mail today. i had asked my mom to send me the stockings and twin-set i left at her place when i moved up north, and so she did. But not only did she send me my things, she sent me cute things!!! Mom is the sweetest, she sends me these giant packages from time to time. This time she sent me a new blanket for the winter, a jacket, three lovely hello kitty tops, a hello kitty pen, perfume... even a Aretha Franklin CD. She sent me these cute booties/slippers for winter. Sweet.
*
And soo, my day... Last night i went to sleep at almost 3 am, after editing the last sample into the track, so i decided to sleep in. It's not like i was going anywhere anyway... i got up at 11, took a shower, and i now have to massage my bruises 4 times a day with this nasty gel... argh... it's made with bovine upper respiratory tracks. Yuck! Anyway, i massaged my legs, and stayed online a bit. Also listened to the music looking for markers and created the coreography.

...

Then the package arrived. After that i had to go out to pick up my meds, and then came home. Rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed... Yeah, i know. i forgot to eat.
...

And to top it off, a nice long shower. And more yucky gel.
*
i'll go eat some time soon. Or not. my head hurts, and i would rather just sleep.
*
Tomorrow will be an exhausting day. But at least Master will be back at night, so i will make it.
*
i woke up with this song playing in my head. Yesterday and today. It's a nice song:

"... Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning

Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning

Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning

Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning, ohh…

It was ice cream headaches and sweet avalanche

When the pearls in our shells got up to dance

You call me a bad tipper of the cradle.

Tired yawns for fawns on hunter's lawns

We're the has-beens of husbands

Sharpening the knives of young wives

Take two years and call me when you're better

Take teardrops of mine, find yourself wetter..."

(Carpal tunnel of love - Fall Out Boy)
*
guess a couple more hours of web, and i'll call it a day.
... i've had enough lullabies tonight.
*



i trully love these vids... i would love to find this film somewhere, but i just can't manage to do so...

Lucille Ball rocks

*

*guess this must be the place (and even more photos)*

*
my head hurts and i feel lousy. Yesterday i couldn't sleep. i finally fell asleep at 4 am. The night before at 3 am. It's just too hot to sleep, it's uncomfortable. So i am tired and in a bad mood. Last week i rested. This week, despite me being supposed to rest, i hardly did so. Or so i feel.
*
And that screws up my schedule... i mean, do you have a personal schedule for doing certain things? Creative work in the evening, i.e. , labor work and chores in the morning... i do. And i have a problem with the light. i cannot concentrate if there isn't enough light, so at night i find it hard to do crafts in general.
*
So... i couldn't sleep. i tried watching a film, "So i married an axe murderer". Nice, but it didn't help. Then i think, "maybe i should start customizing the things for my number, and make the accessories." The only thing i couldn't get right last night were the pasties. i made two sets this morning... And last night i made these...

crafty material

i just added ribbons to these shoes, so that i can tie it into a bow. Kawaii, ne?

and i added lace to this already lacy teddy. It's my "outfit" for the performance friday. Well, at least part of it.

... a lacy choker...

... and a tea set...

...

a pepper anklet
satin and lace pasties with tassles. These were a bit troublesome. i also made a satin pair for a friend.
*
And i woke up at 7:40 again. i made the pasties. i went to the street market (i know, i shouldn't even be walking around) to buy fresh fruit. i edited the soundtrack for my number, and now i only need one voice sample to finish.
...
i must think of the choreography carefully. i tried some dancing, and it hurt.
...
and in the afternoon i dressed up...


...and went to the doctor.
*
Doctors orders:
- rest
- no walking around
- no dancing till next week
- massage and ointment 4x a day on both legs
- i can only go back to working out and dancing 3 weeks from now.
*
damn! *
Well, i go back to work on wednesday. And i am glad i am off the antibiotics. One week of that and i got an infection. Sucks, i hate those meds.
*
Left the doctor, bought the ointment, ordered my nose drops, weighed myself. Came home. Wearing socks in this heat is awful... and i got welts from the opera lenght stockings on my thighs. Fat thighs... i am generally happy with my body.
...
Most of the time i really like my boobs. i like my eyes, my lips, even my nose. i love the arch of my back, and my ass when i get to work out. i like my fingers and the calfs of my legs. But i hate my thighs, i think they are fat and way too wide. i dislike my teeth and rarely smile in photos. My stomach... And i hate my ears... Actually i would like to get my ears modded to be like a vulcans. They are the right size... Plus, i am now 55,7 kg. When i arrived last year, in may i was 64 kg. Ok, i can see some differences, but i am still not happy with the very same things. Specially the thighs.
...
Edited photos. Read a bit. Ate. Messenger. Fixed something that didnt sound quite right in the soundtrack. Tried to work on the choreography, too tired today.
...
and tomorrow i may have to go out again, to pick up some meds. Bad.
*
So that was it. i hope to be able to sleep tonight. i am in a bad mood, and sore. Tomorrow will be better, i hope.
*

"I ’M nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there ’s a pair of us—don’t tell!
They ’d banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!"
(Emily Dickinson)
*
Listening: Arcade Fire - This must be the place
"Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me in the head "
Wearing: my birthday suit
Eating/drinking: nothing, it's bed time.
*

*recollection*

*
Have you ever used a word, without knowing that very word, only to find out later that you used it correctly and you knew it? i did that last night. Epiphanies are strange.
*
i'm sooooo tired. It's warm today, hot even. i don't sleep well when it's too hot.
*
My legs hurt. i know, mea culpa. i could take pain killers, but i'd rather lurk in self-commiseration.
*
On the other hand, i am quite happy with my purchases from the day, so let's call it a tie.
*
So... the afternoon was spent watching burlesque videos. Fine. i'm saturated. And ready to rock.
*
i read a paper for work, and started to correct student's assignments. But at that very moment, i was overcome by a devastating feeling of nothingness, so i just played Animal Crossing instead. As always. Come on, i have a mortage of 590.000 bells to pay now. That is a LOT of fishing.
*
i really want to take photos. But i don't want to do it myself. i miss taking silly poser photos with friends. Which is the reason i started writing this post in the first place...
...

(old photo)

friends. Once again, i have very few next to me. Mostly work mates, and students that are fun to talk to. My friends are far, or on-line. Will it always be so? i had some friends when i was with Lily, but when we moved, it took me living on my own to make my own friends. Good friends, that i miss now. And now? Making friends takes caring, calling, going out, going to school, having things in common. i feel like a failure, relationship-wise.
...
i really wish i had friends to come over now. Not one, nearby. A lot, on the other side of the screen. But it's never the same.(two friends hanging out at college. RR-2006)
*
i also really want to sort out my sewing supplies. i need drawers for that, and space. It's all a big mess. Awell, i bought crochet needles and thread today. i never crocheted, but i would like to. i'll keep those handy for the day i am so bored i actually feel like crocheting.
*
just a lame post, so let's add some content, at least near the end of it...

"I DIED for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
“For beauty,” I replied.
“And I for truth,—the two are one;
We brethren are,” he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names."

Emily Dickinson.
*

*creation and development*

*
i got to the moment when i start watching burlesque videos to think of moves that could fit into what i need for my new number.
(i hate that there are no burlesque workshops around.)
but this always inspires me to do something better and nicer:



*
last night i couldn't sleep. Master is away, and i am here... And my web connection kept falling so i ended up watching 2 hrs of Ms. Bettie Page dancing. So lovely.

...
and having all these ideas. So many, i had to get up every 5 minutes to write something down. i love epiphany nights.
*
So i was up till 3. And up at 8 am. i just can't help myself when i am feeling restless.
*
Which made me do something i shouldn't. Go out. Walk. The fresh morning air and the warm sunshine felt fantastic, but now my legs are complaining. But now i have a lacy teddy and garter to complete my look for the new number. Yeah, i just can't think of anything else.
*
(Our one year anniversary is near, and i wanted to do something nice. And i am clueless).
*
Thanks to this nice guy (http://suicidegirls.com/members/lestblight/ . http://www.lestblight.com) i got the final touch for my new number.
*
So these are the steps:
1 -pick a theme
2 - pick the music
3 - start thinking of choreography
4 - pick costumes, research hair and makeup
6 - watch burlesque videos
7 - edite soundtrack
8 - create choreography
9 - rehearse
...
i'm at number 6 now.
*
i wish i weren't such a control freak sometimes.
*
no picture so far. Maybe later. My legs hurt.
*
damn!
*

(i want new pics, but i am lazy)
*
wearing: pink undies
listening: mxpx - life in general
eating: nothing, so i better go get something to eat.
*

*it all depends on You (and a lot of photos)*

*
oh well. i am tired tonight. Yes, it was a busy day. Busy, busy, busy. Not that i should have done that much, but things don't just do themselves. And the way i see it, it's one medical condition or another. Meaning that if i don't clean up my sinus may return and that is something i DON'T want.
*
Master has left. He will be in Chile till friday. (sighs...) There is only one place on earth that feels perfect, and i swear that place is in His arms. No matter what, when i am snug and warm on His shoulder everything is just fine.
*
one year, next week. i wonder what to do to celebrate. He is delaying getting me branded, for some reason. Is He unsure? i would like it very much, and that He doesn't adress the matter directly kind of makes me wonder if i am doing something wrong, if He is unhappy with me.
*
well... i like this photo.

*
i still have the music matter to adress. i have about 8 options for the 3 moments of the performance till now, but there are two more hours of music to select from, before making a definite selection. Yes, i'm a control-freak. Then there will be the choreography and costume to adress. And i wanna make some pasties, maybe a garter. Well, i wil have plenty of time alone. Which sucks.
This Friday:
*
i think i will perform next tuesday as well. And the following thursday. That should make up for the time i stayed at home. Damn, i love the stage! And the stage loves me, you know...
my favorite...a 1920's vibe... by Andrea Lavezzaro, from a rejected SG set (edited to add my own logo, because these photos belong to me and the photographer).
*
Another thing that kept me busy today was clearing memory. i couldn't figure out why this computer was so slow. Probably something to do with the fact i have/had about 20Gb of movies in one of my folders, just siting there. So it's been burn, baby, burn!, all fucking day long. Yeah, i'm lame.
*
i may be a procrastinator. But on the other hand, once i start something i hardly ever stop, even for eating. As a result of which i had my first meal at 6 pm today. Yeah, i know. Real smart of me.
*
As for my to-do list...
- tidy up, sweep and dust. Do dishes - ok
- do laundry - ok
- iron clean laundry - ok
- shave, do eyebrows and nails - ok
- update online - ok (duh!)
...
Still on that list are things l1ike "correct student's assignments", "study" and "make acessories". i really don't feel like doing those, so i'll try to cross "sort out tracks for performance".
*
blah! or maybe i'll just watch something. It's scary to stay home alone.
*
At least my nails are done. kind of. i am a terrible manicure. argh!
*
Something tells me that getting back to the "real" world will be tough. i usually have such a crazy rythm, i will have to take it slow at first. i hate taking things slow.
*
As long as He is with me... Kind of worries me that He will be out for some days. But i will manage. i always do. i just freak out everytime before i see it will all be ok.
*
Yeah! And now for something completely similar.
*
"i can be happy, i can be sad
i can be good, i can be bad
it all depends on You
i can be lonely out in a crowd
i can be humble, i can be proud
it all depends on You
i can save money, or spend it
go right on living, or end it
You're to blame, baby, for what i do
i know that i can be beggar, i can be king
i can be almost any old thing
it all depends on You
isn't it sweet to know, Dear, You can help me on?
wouldn't it hurt, to know, Dear, all my hopes were gone?
wouldn't it make You proud, Dear, if i made a name?
but if i failed to win, dear, would You want all the blame?"
(Ruth Etting)
...
for all it's worth, our contract: http://www.slaveregister.com/p/sweetie_bird_RML/

*
Tomorrow is a full day, as well? i should rest. my legs finally start to hurt.
*
i'm starting to look foward to the e-mails from Torahtoday. It may be religion, but i kind of like it.
*
i really like that SG gives the hopefuls a second change. Although at sometimes it does seem like some awkward consolation prize popularity pageant. And i really feel uncomfortable with competing. Probably because i always lose. Anyways, my competing and rejected set: http://suicidegirls.com/albums/hopefuls/group/13510/
*
WARNING: my legs are healing well, but if you don't feel comfortable with bruises and such, just don't look at the following photos. These were taken today.

*
zzzzzz's. it's been a long long long day.
*
listening: King Oliver's Jazz Band - 1923 to 1926 recordings
wearing: granny's pink nightgown, no undies, and compression socks.
eating: chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!
*

*searching*

*
quickly. to say i am sick in love and there is nothing i can do about it...

there is nothing like this in the national market... (snif snif). There are things i can do about the absolute lack of cute things in Brazil. i can customize clogs. i can make pasties and re-do lingerie. But there is nothing i can do about something as delicate as nylons. And that sucks.
*
hum, i'm hungry. Being hungry makes me think of my figure. Once i can, i will heartily go back to working out. Because it makes me feel good. And feel happy with what i see. But... i must go slow on the weight. i know... pin-ups were not very popular in the 1920's, but that is my period. Period. And my body fits the period perfectly, so i just need to keep it fit and firm. i would rather be a Tiller's girl than in the Ziegfeld Follies. Cross my heart i would Mr...
*
i have a to-do list for tomorrow. No, i cannot go jumping around yet. Actually, tomorrow i reach the limit of 10 minutes per hour on my feet. But to-do lists make me feel better about myself.
*
and now, pre-selecting the music for friday's show. Tough call. i have over 4 Gb worth of show music. Well, i better get at it, then.
*
Master is out. i told Him to go spend with His daughter. He did. At least He can breath some outside air. Staying in was also stressing Him out.
*
Yeah, an update as long as these legs! And all that jazz!
*
i can hardly wait!
*

*morning new disease*

*
fotolog: http://www.fotolog.com/miss_sweetie
*
"find outwhat we all need what we all mean im starting to see someone i dont want to be"
(jets to brazil)
*
i feel great. i feel lousy. i feel tired of lying in bed. Yesterday i surfed the web. And finished watching GTO. And updated. And surfed the web.
*
i went to sleep at 9 pm.
*
and Master is sick, so we cannot play. i feel worthless for there being nothing i can do for Him. i feel restless. i feel very very very bored.
*
this sucks. and i just can't make myself to anything useful. Anything. Like correcting my students essays or doing my nails. i am worried about my performance. And i know i will stress myself out post wednesday.
*
at least i decided one of the things i had to. That i will wait till i return to the doctor's to decide on when to go back to work. Which means that since i get paid hourly, my pay for april will be hahaha laughable. Whatever. Next week i enroll in dance lessons and buy work out clothes. And go back to the gym.
*
but then there is this: http://www.metodista.br/secretaria-academica/transferencias/transferencia-externa/ . i know it's months away. But it costs money, and i have to be sure i will be able to afford college before trying anything.
*
blah! i think my being online so much is annoying Master. but what else can i do? i feel like crying. It makes me want to cry when He coughs. argh!
*
maybe i should go back to sleep. i tried playing Animal Crossing, but i even payed off my mortage to Tom Nook and still didn't get drowsy, plus there is a lame fishing contest going on, so i'd rather not.
*
blah! again.
*

"i am dreaming of a life and i am dreaming of waking up
there's this anger rising cancer in me standing like a wall between
the waking world i seek and this infected plane of sleep
love come like an axe to all this ice and set me free
there's a black rewarding book
beneath this stiff sheet if you look carefully
noise police white hearse tv air wave methadone
diet contact safe sex antibiotics
for your safety we've taken sharp objects
it's their object to keep you from waking
taste test serenade we dig the grave
lose weight astrologically no money down
for your enjoyment we've excised the dialogue
for your protection we've installed a camera
just keep thinking the same clean thoughts
and keep telling yourself it's allright
i am dreaming of a life and it's not the life that's mine

...
sickness is a time for hating your neighbors
in their milk flats with five kids too many
having day sex because they're all daughters

and you're thinking the same two things over and over again"
(jets to brazil)
*
i really want a John Willie's tattoo. and maybe something by Pichard, because Master likes him so much.

*
i feel like nothing.
*
tomorrow i will make myself useful. will i?
(Master's trip is not for sure. but the perspective is still scary.)
*
last sunday was so much fun (i mean, the part after the part where i wanted to die)... some photos.

*
the sunshine beckons me from the outside, and all i can do is wave back. awwww fuck, this was my choice, and it's all for the best.
*
i wish for so many things... i wish to do this right...
and i am so bored right now i could even watch television
...
"that's just another thing on my wish list. If i should slide over and under,
you know i just might stay 'till i get it right.
Some people say i'm corny or i'm morbid.
i always thought i was touching, i was tragic.
One man's magic is another's plastic.
Well, which one is it?
Am i sweetness? Am i sickness?
If i say both, you will say i lack commitment.
Of course you're right. Of course i'm right.
But i know can write my way out of this black hole.
Back to all the things that i miss.
Sometimes i don't even know you exist. That's just another thing on my wish list."
(jets to brazil)

*
i hurt You so bad it hurts. i wish You knew. i wish You loved me back half as much as i love You.

*
this girl is right (http://suicidegirls.com/members/ASinForHim)... "sing what you can't say"...
*
My legs don't look that nasty today. What is nasty is that i have been having my period for over a week, and it's finally geting on my nerve. Whatever. Maybe i'll take photos of my bruises. Maybe not. They are kind of nasty.
*
typing for miles, i know. listening to jets to brazil feels ok. for now.
(Master is the sweetest. He is actually making the chicken burger i was craving. His lack of skill around the kitchen is so damn adorable as it can annoying on my bad days. ohn...)
*
what makes me thing He is upset at me and makes me feel so lousy is that He rather play videogame than hang out with me. But He also has been in bed a lot, and sick, and i am annoying. And boring. i feel happy when my dog play can amuse Him.
*
fuck feeling bored. i'll have chocolate milk, eat haribo and watch anime! and if that doesnt help i'll play puyo puyo. and if that doesn't help i'll challange Master to Worms Mayhem! yup!
*
blah!
*
listening: Jets to Brazil, discography.
eating: chicken burger, plain, with tomatoes.
wearing: compression ankle socks and black boxer briefs.
*