have you ever loved someone desperately?
i'll think about the weekend tomorrow.
friends. Once again, i have very few next to me. Mostly work mates, and students that are fun to talk to. My friends are far, or on-line. Will it always be so? i had some friends when i was with Lily, but when we moved, it took me living on my own to make my own friends. Good friends, that i miss now. And now? Making friends takes caring, calling, going out, going to school, having things in common. i feel like a failure, relationship-wise.
i really wish i had friends to come over now. Not one, nearby. A lot, on the other side of the screen. But it's never the same.(two friends hanging out at college. RR-2006)
i also really want to sort out my sewing supplies. i need drawers for that, and space. It's all a big mess. Awell, i bought crochet needles and thread today. i never crocheted, but i would like to. i'll keep those handy for the day i am so bored i actually feel like crocheting.
just a lame post, so let's add some content, at least near the end of it...
"I DIED for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.
He questioned softly why I failed?
“For beauty,” I replied.
“And I for truth,—the two are one;
We brethren are,” he said.
And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names."
and having all these ideas. So many, i had to get up every 5 minutes to write something down. i love epiphany nights.
So i was up till 3. And up at 8 am. i just can't help myself when i am feeling restless.
Which made me do something i shouldn't. Go out. Walk. The fresh morning air and the warm sunshine felt fantastic, but now my legs are complaining. But now i have a lacy teddy and garter to complete my look for the new number. Yeah, i just can't think of anything else.
(Our one year anniversary is near, and i wanted to do something nice. And i am clueless).
Thanks to this nice guy (http://suicidegirls.com/members/lestblight/ . http://www.lestblight.com) i got the final touch for my new number.
So these are the steps:
1 -pick a theme
2 - pick the music
3 - start thinking of choreography
4 - pick costumes, research hair and makeup
6 - watch burlesque videos
7 - edite soundtrack
8 - create choreography
9 - rehearse
i'm at number 6 now.
i wish i weren't such a control freak sometimes.
no picture so far. Maybe later. My legs hurt.
(i want new pics, but i am lazy)
wearing: pink undies
listening: mxpx - life in general
eating: nothing, so i better go get something to eat.
i still have the music matter to adress. i have about 8 options for the 3 moments of the performance till now, but there are two more hours of music to select from, before making a definite selection. Yes, i'm a control-freak. Then there will be the choreography and costume to adress. And i wanna make some pasties, maybe a garter. Well, i wil have plenty of time alone. Which sucks.
i think i will perform next tuesday as well. And the following thursday. That should make up for the time i stayed at home. Damn, i love the stage! And the stage loves me, you know...
my favorite...a 1920's vibe... by Andrea Lavezzaro, from a rejected SG set (edited to add my own logo, because these photos belong to me and the photographer).
Another thing that kept me busy today was clearing memory. i couldn't figure out why this computer was so slow. Probably something to do with the fact i have/had about 20Gb of movies in one of my folders, just siting there. So it's been burn, baby, burn!, all fucking day long. Yeah, i'm lame.
i may be a procrastinator. But on the other hand, once i start something i hardly ever stop, even for eating. As a result of which i had my first meal at 6 pm today. Yeah, i know. Real smart of me.
As for my to-do list...
- tidy up, sweep and dust. Do dishes - ok
- do laundry - ok
- iron clean laundry - ok
- shave, do eyebrows and nails - ok
- update online - ok (duh!)
Still on that list are things l1ike "correct student's assignments", "study" and "make acessories". i really don't feel like doing those, so i'll try to cross "sort out tracks for performance".
blah! or maybe i'll just watch something. It's scary to stay home alone.
At least my nails are done. kind of. i am a terrible manicure. argh!
Something tells me that getting back to the "real" world will be tough. i usually have such a crazy rythm, i will have to take it slow at first. i hate taking things slow.
As long as He is with me... Kind of worries me that He will be out for some days. But i will manage. i always do. i just freak out everytime before i see it will all be ok.
Yeah! And now for something completely similar.
"i can be happy, i can be sad
i can be good, i can be bad
it all depends on You
i can be lonely out in a crowd
i can be humble, i can be proud
it all depends on You
i can save money, or spend it
go right on living, or end it
You're to blame, baby, for what i do
i know that i can be beggar, i can be king
i can be almost any old thing
it all depends on You
isn't it sweet to know, Dear, You can help me on?
wouldn't it hurt, to know, Dear, all my hopes were gone?
wouldn't it make You proud, Dear, if i made a name?
but if i failed to win, dear, would You want all the blame?"
for all it's worth, our contract: http://www.slaveregister.com/p/sweetie_bird_RML/
there is nothing like this in the national market... (snif snif). There are things i can do about the absolute lack of cute things in Brazil. i can customize clogs. i can make pasties and re-do lingerie. But there is nothing i can do about something as delicate as nylons. And that sucks.
hum, i'm hungry. Being hungry makes me think of my figure. Once i can, i will heartily go back to working out. Because it makes me feel good. And feel happy with what i see. But... i must go slow on the weight. i know... pin-ups were not very popular in the 1920's, but that is my period. Period. And my body fits the period perfectly, so i just need to keep it fit and firm. i would rather be a Tiller's girl than in the Ziegfeld Follies. Cross my heart i would Mr...
i have a to-do list for tomorrow. No, i cannot go jumping around yet. Actually, tomorrow i reach the limit of 10 minutes per hour on my feet. But to-do lists make me feel better about myself.
and now, pre-selecting the music for friday's show. Tough call. i have over 4 Gb worth of show music. Well, i better get at it, then.
Master is out. i told Him to go spend with His daughter. He did. At least He can breath some outside air. Staying in was also stressing Him out.
Yeah, an update as long as these legs! And all that jazz!
i can hardly wait!
"i am dreaming of a life and i am dreaming of waking up
there's this anger rising cancer in me standing like a wall between
the waking world i seek and this infected plane of sleep
love come like an axe to all this ice and set me free
there's a black rewarding book
beneath this stiff sheet if you look carefully
noise police white hearse tv air wave methadone
diet contact safe sex antibiotics
for your safety we've taken sharp objects
it's their object to keep you from waking
taste test serenade we dig the grave
lose weight astrologically no money down
for your enjoyment we've excised the dialogue
for your protection we've installed a camera
just keep thinking the same clean thoughts
and keep telling yourself it's allright
i am dreaming of a life and it's not the life that's mine
i feel like nothing.
tomorrow i will make myself useful. will i?
(Master's trip is not for sure. but the perspective is still scary.)
last sunday was so much fun (i mean, the part after the part where i wanted to die)... some photos.