Friday, July 27, 2007

*it's a good day*

*
even though it's soooo cold.
...




...

"I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad"
(Mika)
...
i was wondering how life would be if we discarded the concept of romantic love.
...
tomorrow i travel to the south to perform...

...
So there are things to do.
...
and i'm off to do them.
...
have a good day. And a great weekend. I'll be back home by sunday.
*
edit:

i'm prepping for the trip. Bought a new coat and a pair of pants. But as we say down here in Brazil... fudeu. i'm already half frozen here, and its not even 10C:

*

Thursday, July 26, 2007

*in the cold light of the morning*

*
must... go dye my hair. But first bring the Mister His coffee...
*
things are feeling better today. At least i am ok.
*
"Tomorrow's only a king,
Whistle,
Whistle,
Whistle,
Whistle,
Whistle,
Whistle,
Whistle,
Whistle,
whistle,
Away ..

In the cold light of day."
(Placebo)


*
tomorrow is friday. Saturday i travel to perform in Gramado - RS. Still gotta save my hair and do my nails. And watch a lot of videos, and rehearse. i am glad this is test week @ work, at least i don't have to prepare classes. But i will have many tests to correct starting monday.
*
carpe diem.
*
i feel proud of myself when i work out. Wouldn't you?
...
jazz and tap-dancing tonight. The perspective makes me happy. i need to buy a new pair of jeans. The perspective of that does not make me happy. My hips are the worst for jeans pants, and i usually try on at least 12 to discover none look good. Then i settle for the least awful.
...
i have a strange body. And i love it!
*
When He is down i get down. i figured that out yesterday, and now all i have to do is keep Him well. If He is well, i'll be ok. i know it.
*
Oh, yes... Coffee...

*

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

*Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn*

*
i swear i am giving 110% to feel happy. And the reason i am trying so hard is that as i can imagine it, both paths look gloomy, so this one may be the sunshiny one. But that sunshine is taking an awful long time to show.
*
i tried hard yesterday too. Work, working out, making lunch, rehearsing, doing things...
rehearsal:





But there is this sea of sadness that comes in waves and like the tide threatens to drown me. i swear. Or do you think i cry on the treadmill for show?
*
The side effects of these meds are amazing. i only got half way through dance class because then i lost most of my motor coordination and got really dizzy. But i am feeling ok now.



i love pink.
Now i only need the sunshine and the flowers, marilyn manson and the white stripes... Marshmellow and gummi bears, peaches and scissor sisters, chocolate and a milk shake. i guess i'll have the milk shake today, since the sky is grey and the day is cold and rainy, again.

*
(at times it seems He has fun seeing me cry).
*
After dance class i drew the birthday girl a dress and put my stuff together. He told me i suck.
...
Which made me think today... has He ever said something good about me that was spontanous and not requested?
*

The cold comes from inside. Inside me.
*
Though freedom feels even more terrifying. Maybe it's that tattoo, maybe it's me. i need as much attention as a puppy or a kitten...
*
yeah... be strong.
*
"Well, there's three people in my head that have the answer And one of them's got to be you But you're holding tight to it -- the answer Singin' these three hundred mile per hour outpour blues" (300 mph torrential outpour blues - the white stripes)
*
It felt strange to drink only water last night. But its healthy, i guess. i performed "Murder", then changed to surprise the birthday girl. It was fun... She is also a slave, but she looks so happy.
Last night:






*
i noticed i no longer smile when i am all alone with Him... probably because He always finds a way to make me cry. C'est la vie. * Time to get on with life. My hair needs washing, so does the laundry, and my nails need doing.
*
Life...
*
Guess i'll bake a pineapple cake tomorrow or something.
*
i love Him so much it hurts even harder. Oh boy...
*
Eat me, Drink me... Time for a cup of coffee, a hot shower and disturbingly loud marilyn manson. My mouth tastes bitter today. Where has all the sweetness gone?
*
Why can't You do right, like some other men do?
*
(smile like you mean it)
*

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

*you and me and the devil makes 3*

*
time to let things out. My demons are eating me up, and the things i could do are the things i won't do.
...
it has been going down hill for how long? i can't even remember anymore why i chose this path. But i must continue on the path i have chosen until another intersection shows up. It is here. Do i follow through? Do i change to the sunshiny brick road or do i continue on this unpaved thorn-filled track?
...
i really wish i didn't have to decide. But everyday brings new and renewed pain, in an unthought gesture, in the rude word, in the inconscient aloofness. There are the times, the moments where my heart is filled with bliss and sunshine, and the birds whisltle a gentle tune. True. But to have these other ones, the ones where a chilly wind girdles my soul, a wind coming from my sould...
...
i told Him i needed a hero. So why did i end up in the minotaur's cave? Must i kill the monster myself to escape the labyrinth?
...
i'm just a scared and scarred girl. i am no hero myself. Am i Muchausen or Dom Quixote? Which will it be?
*
Set aside all denominations. Slave, hero, liar, coward, man, woman... we are human. And a human being can only take so much...
...
i had been dysthimic for almost 3 weeks. Or so i think. I must get an accurate diagnosis as soon as possible. Maybe it was really sadness. People can be sad for a very long time, you know.
...
So i went to the doctor, my ginechologist, on friday afternoon. We talked about my doubts, my PMS troubles, my irregular bleeding. And my traumas. At times the pain surfaces. It has been real close lately. Something most men, i believe, can try but never trully comprehend. Our bodies can be invaded easily. Taken. We can be weak. Women. My man doesn't understand.
...
And the doctor says what any doctor would say: "Get help". Yes, i cried. I have already confessed my weakness. And i decided to have a real conversation with my Man about my pain, my troubles, and my intermittent sadness.
...
Performance night. Rehearsing, going to the club, drinking, playing candy girl, dancing. i could still smile. It hurt, but i could. Sometimes it can be so painful to put on a happy face. Even if you have a drink or two. Which loosen my lips and my emotions.
...
Going home. We stop to eat. Ok, so lets talk...
- "i have been sad for so long. Dysthimic. i need help".
- "So you are unhappy with Me".
- "Not unhappy with You. Just unhappy. This sadness... what happened. i need help".
- "I guess this is the end then".
(i gasp for air. And plead, and cry. i may not be happy with Him now, but being without Him would make me even more miserable. Or completely miserable. And definitely lost).
- "i could not live without You".
- "Stop saying you love Me. The more you say it, the less it means".
(i swallow the rest of my food along with my tears. We head for the car).
...
- "We are over. You must pack your bags and leave".
- "i would rather be dead than away from You".
(how much was fear, or if it was trully Mania as the other doctor posteriorly suggested, i do not know.)
i open the door of the car while He is driving. He yells at me, i reach for my purse. i NEED relief. i open the wallet. He sees a condom.
- "What is that?"
- "a condom"
- "Why is it there?"
- "Because it was in the car the other day and i put it here. Because if i am ever raped again i would rather not go through another month of AZT and fear"...
He screams: - "Shut up! No woman of mine will ever carry a condom, if you carry a condom is because you plan on using it!"
- "No, no, no... i just don't want to be hurt again. You know i will die if anything ever happens to me again... if it ever happens again i do not want to survive this time".
...
Many harsh words later... i superficially slash my wrist. Just for the relief... i always have a razor in my wallet. Always had... since 13, 14? i can no longer remember for how long i have searched the clarity of self-inflicted physical pain. But it bleeds. A lot...
- "I am taking you to the hospital. You will commit yourself. And you will stay there. I no longer want you".
(it was almost 5 am)
- "Please, no. i must go to work. i cannot stay there, i don't want to go".
- "Shut up!"
at this moment we arrive at the hospitals ER. "Why is He wasting these peoples time on me?" i think, "i have so much to do". i get hysterical and scream. i refuse to get out of the car, until i sit in a wheelchair.
...
They clean my (superficial) wound and bandage it. He calls the police. That was what hurt the most, i guess. He was not worried about seeing me well, even if He wouldnt see me again. He was worried about not being considered a suspect would i come to kill myself. So He took me to the police station, where i dismissed the idea of attempted suicide.
...
i am NOT a suicidal person. As disturbed and hurt as i may be, i had too deep of a christian raising to be able to hurt myself or anyone else. I mean, trully hurt. It just goes against all that was deeply imprinted into my programming during infancy. To think someone, anyone, would believe in my suicidal threats sounds amusing to me. And silly. i may no longer be a christian, but i deeply believe in goodness and love. Yeah, i am silly and naive. i don't mind. There is beauty in the world, even if most cannot see it.
*
He took me home...
- "Shower. I am taking you to the psyhchiatric hospital".
- "But i have to go to work. Can't we do it later?"
i took a long shower. Long enough for Him to fall asleep. Then silent as a mouse i got my books together... He woke up when i was about to leave.
- "Where are you going?"
- "To work".
- "No you aren't. We are going to the hospital".
i cried: - "We can go later. Please, i must go to work. i have responsabilities".
...
i went to work. But i had to miss dance class to see some anonymous psychiatrist who prescribed me the meds i am on right now. An episode of mania, he said. "You need treatment"... Made me feel like telling my Man: "i told You". But He wouldn't speak to me. Whatever He did say, sounded like grunting.
*
Work again. i hadn't really slept, or eaten. i felt terrible. So He took us to get something to eat, and i slept. For over 12 hours, i slept.
...
i couldn't speak to Him. i was just so afraid of rejection. Rejection is one of the things i take the worst. i just can't take it. So i just couldn't speak to Him first because i feared Him telling me to shut up. i wouldn't touch Him because i feared being pushed away. i love Him so much it is killing me.
...
So much, i couldn't help looking for His body in bed while i slept. i woke up in His arms... The rest of the day was good. There are great times, when we are together... but there are also the painful moments.
...
Tomorrow has become incognito. Because i have given up on making plans (for now?). i have given up on hope. I am too afraid to be my own hero.
...
i wish i had a conclusion to all these thoughts. There isn't. i just wait. Every nudge, every harsh word, every moment i feel ignored scars me deeper and hurts more than it should. i will get help. i owe it to myself. Even if He thinks that i am a fool and that He should be enough to make me happy. He should... if He weren't as He is. He has refused to be my hero...
...
No, still no conclusion.
*
"Hell-flavored, I've got mood poisoning
You must be something that I hate
I'm just a prison of property
Buckets full of better misery
There's not a word for what I want to do to You
You and me and the devil makes 3"
(Marilyn Manson)
*
It is raining again. There are things to do. A plane to (try to) catch on the weekend, performances, gigs.
...
i will make this work for as long as i can... but...
...
i waited so long for Him to have lunch with me while writing this post that once again i have no time to eat. We are making me sick.
*
... all i want right now is to watch a girly film and eat sweets...
i wish.
*
edit: i am back home, the class finished early. And eating, at last. Hmmm, pasta with blue cheese and lemon sauce.
...
As i went to work i couldn't help but to "sing" this song... it fits the moment perfectly. And it is who i am:

*
About what i wrote above... I can still write. But i have no idea if i will ever be able to ask Him for help again... or to tell Him if i hurt. i really don't know.
*
Let's leave these worries for when we get to them. Off to dance class!
*

Friday, July 20, 2007

*can i borrow some... err... hmmm... life?*

*
"well i'm starving for attention and i'm looking for perfection and my only opposition is my lack of motivation but i'm looking for an in but i'm pissin' in the wind and if i had a towel man i'm sure i'd throw it in i'm fishing for a valid excuse and when i think of one i will put it to good use am i a freight train or am i just the caboose too much time tied to the rails can i borrow some ambition?"
(guttermouth)
*
it's too cold to think. But i have things to do. Ok, in my book it's too cold. Its 10C now, and if one considers houses and apartments in Brazil don't have heating and most dont have hot water taps, its pretty fucked up. And i have to do laundry. And i'm only in my undies. So convince me to get out of bed.
*
i didnt have tap dancing class yesterday so the Mister took me to see Transformers. i loved it, He hated it. Fine, i won't share my "bad" taste for movies with Him anymore.
*
the dysthimia is getting the best of me. i get these migraines now, which i know are from holding tears in. How bad is it one the one person who matters does not even consider your Affective Disorder a problem?
*
things get pretty bad at times. No wonder i don't even feel like sitting up. But it's performance night. And in my book (yeah, i have a big book about everything) work always comes first. Even over my health.
*
considering how much pain i feel in my arm since wednesday... i went shopping at 25 de marco again... which means heavy trinket shopping. i bought fabric, feathers, bells, and lots of fake eyelashes. i love that place!
*
but shopping doesnt make me feel better. And i really don't know when this sadness began.
*
i just know i am sick of it and in a very bad place. Yes... a bad place. He didnt let me eat anymore last night... i hadnt eaten all day... i went to sleep hungry... and now i am considering not eating at all... whatever makes Him hurt... or myself.
*
i wish i could sleep until summer. my libido is gone for more than 3 weeks now.
*
Your bed is a deadly trap for ladies like me.
*

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

*mexican pasta salad*

*

ingredients:

- 200 grs whole wheat fusilli
- one small avocado (ripe)
- one medium roma tomato
- one small onion
- parsley (fresh or dry)
- lime juice (fresh)
- jalapeno pepper
- salt (to taste)
- grated parmesan
- garlic
- olive oil
- lettuce (to garnish)


how to:

spoon out the avocado into a dish. Chop up the tomato and the onion, mix it all together with the spices and the lime juice. Your guacamole is ready! Be sure to add enough pepper.





prepare pasta all dente, stir fry with garlic.



Mix the guacamole with the pasta, add the parmesan cheese and garnish with fresh lettuce.


*

Monday, July 16, 2007

*at the bottom of everything*

*
so the weekend is over. And i have cooked a bit lately. For my standards, quite a bit.
*
and i had the "pleasure" of a chilly rain shower at 7 am this morning. Obviously, i gave myself the day off after such an event. But i must teach in an hour and a half. And i'll schedule a nutritionist for myself, so maybe i won't feel this tired anymore.
...
believe me, i went to bed early on saturday, and woke up at 2 pm yesterday. And i slept till 3 this afternoon. Why do i have to feel this tired?
*
there is a cosplay to make. When?
...
and my trip coming up. Yup, it makes me nervous. Plus, i must make the props for my next number, or there will be no next number.
*
and i have to go in a few minutes, so...

the weekend:

friday night: Had to stay at the school till 10 pm. Ate dinner out with Master, a gecko fell in my plate from the ceiling, i got to scream like a little girl (and i love it!). Dressed up, a long drive and a quick performance, vanilla crowds are funny. i danced, got paid and went home.
saturday: Work. Then a dance evaluation. My teacher thought my choice of music was "interesting". Yeah, industrial goes really well with belly dance. And i realized i prefer the folkloric style... Then more mork. Master picked me up, we went to a snack bar where they have monstrous hamburguers, we got stuffed, had icecream and went home. By 11 pm i was counting my ZZZZZ's already.
...
i'll finish this post after work... time to face the cold and the rain. Blah!
*

Friday, July 13, 2007

*it made me do it (procrastination) and now i'm soooo screwed*

*
weeeee, yes i am. screwed. Because i have a private party/gig tonight and i have a belly dance evaluation tomorrow, and instead of creating my evaluation choreography i was doing dishes and washing clothes, and instead of creating it now i will rehearse for tonight. And now, tomorrow there will be no time also.
*
awww, just great.

*
But ok. Like, i may be going through a light surge of hypomania because right now i am in "fuck off" mode.
*
last night Master and i went to our friends house after my dance class and we watched "Secretary" and ate brownies... yum.
*
and lots of work today, and work tonight. Yeah, i know. Blah!
*
"To be or not to be - That is not the question! I decided long ago to be!
With me, it's what to be,
Now, make me some suggestions,
Good or bad, Which is the best for me?
When you're after fun and laughter, this aggravates you,
Some reformers say a warmer climate awaits you! ...
i wanna be bad!"

tonight:

*
and this weekend starts one of the biggest Anime events in Latin America. Guess i'll go next weekend, because my cosplay ain't ready yet. Yup, procrastination.

*
Oh, have a great friday 13th! And a fun.fucking.tastic weekend.
*
gonna go rehearse! shabat shalom.
*

Thursday, July 12, 2007

*cold...*

*
damn those dishes in the sink! i ate artichokes for the first time today, and i made them. You know when you dont even know how to wash the damn thing? Thats how i felt. But they were good and now i am left with a HUGE mess in the kitchen.

*
and its sooooo fucking cold. Houses in Brazil have no heating and no hot tap water, at least most of them. My fingers are stiff and my nose is running. Not very fun.

*
Also, i am quite excited about traveling at the end of the month. And maybe i have a private performance tomorrow night. Maybe, its quite scary to perform to small crowds. They are less friendly, you know?

*
oh well...

but not everything is roses...

my doctor told me yesterday that i am "slightly" lactose intolerant. My worst nightmare come true, i love milk, and darn do i love cheese! That and i have problems absorbing fat.

*
it won't kill me. It will just make my stomach hurt.

*
and now a hot shower to defrost. Damn, dance class tonight will feel good!

*

"Can you tell by nameless change in action

I've single handedly abandon any chance I had

Good morning heartache after forfeit

I hate that I've awoken

Black and blue and broken"

(nameless change - my former self)
*
no photos today. When i am warmer i'll upload the food pics i took.

*

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

*sweats and chills*

*
i thought i was lazy. i thought there was something wrong with not sweating recently. i spent the day sneezing and weezing away today, even though i was up and at it all day. And now i seriously feel like i got a beating. My body, my nose, my head ache. Yup, it sucks.
*
Master should be home from His trip soon. Things are clean, the laundry is in the machine, everything is in place. Too bad i am just soo tired.
*
lets see what my doctors tell me tomorrow. blah!
*
and today i realized one of the reasons i am just soooo insecure. i am afraid to be left, to be abandoned. Afraid of being alone, again.
"You know I'm thinking of you.
I miss You.
You'll change Your mind come monday and turn Your back on me.
You'll take Your steps away with hesitance.
You'll take Your steps away from me."
Cautioners - Jimmy Eat World
*
i really need chicken soup for the soul right now.

*
listening: jimmy eat world - clarity
wearing: a white g-string.
eating: nothing, but i should get some pizza to celebrate Pizza day. Nah, i'm feeling fat again.
*
edited at 9 am, wednesday:

i am soooo excited (?), i got a great call last night! So if things work out i get to go to Gramado in the end of the month to perform for Pacha again. Hope they do! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, gigs!




...
now off to the doctor!
...
pressplay> thank you for the venom - my chemical romance
(its going to be a good day if MCR is in it)
*

Monday, July 9, 2007

*just hold me and tell me i will always be your sweetheart*

*
CAUTION: extremely confused, bitchy and bipolar post below. So, how does it feel to be inside my head?
*
have i been ignoring the signals again? Is it that time again? i spent the last weeks in a surge of hypomania that did not let me see that sooner or later it would be downtime again. Its downtime again? My surroundings tell me so. Everything is soooo chaotic and filthy, and i feel filthy too. i am glad to once more have good friends around me, someone who loves me, things that make me happy... yet...

*
Master said something that made me happy yesterday. He had to go out with His ex-wife on saturday to buy a HD for her notebook... and while He was out with her He realized how much fun it is to hang out with me. It figures... it takes very little to make me happy. Walking to the restaurant today, with a cool breeze and the sunshine kissing my cheeks, side by side with Him felt just like heaven...



*
it feels like that at times. Like heaven. But i'm a hardcore drama queen, and i am filled with ghosts that haunt my happy days. Oh those ghosts, oh the horror. i wish i wouldn't let the past hurt so bad, then the present moments wouldn't feel so hard. Silly things like Master being a "bitch" at the Fetish Party and wanting to leave wouldn't make me do things like this:


its what i always do. i panic. And i hurt. And this is the only way i know to let it all out. Ok, not the only way, but the other way is no longer possible. That is, when i lived with my brothers and my parents, i would take it out on the boys and beat the shit out of them. But i have no one to hurt but myself, and i am hurt pretty bad already.



and what else? Must there be something? i should speak what bothers me, but i don't. i just keep it all inside where it will eat at me like a cancer. The scenes, the silences, the insecurity. Didnt i say from the start that i needed to feel safe? That i needed to be a pet, Your pet, so i would be kept safeguard from the pain?

*
part of me wants to always be Your sweet valentine. The other would like to fly away and never belong to anyone else. As the coward i am, i choose not to decide, and let the current take me.

*
to less painful shores, one hopes.


*
But there has been so much bliss, so much joy... and boy am i impatient! So many "i's".

*
last week... comic books fair.


i want this:




and this is funny.


*
i have NO gigs booked for now. On one hand, its kind of relieving. On the other, frustrating. Even if i'm nowhere close to what i can get to be (i believe), dancing has become my life. In a sense, the burlesque act can comprehend almost all the of the things that are dearest to my heart: glamourous make-overs, dazzling garments, dancing, jazz, the theatre, risqué acts, among others.


...
speaking to Master today i remembered the amatuer plays i would write, act in and direct as a child, with the neighbors. Those were fun. Guess show-biz has always been in me, after all.
*
and this past saturday was the Fetish party. i was a cigarette girl for a change, distributing cute give-aways. Master seemed a bit upset at it, but i did not care a bit. Betty Boop was a cigarette girl, why can't i be? Oh, and why can't i be the sweet cutest of all Betty?



...

after getting upset with the $$$ for drinks the club owners gave me, Master wanted to leave. That was when i went upstairs to cut myself. After that i felt better, and one of our friends, the producer of the party actually, started filling Him up with drinks. Before i knew it, instead of the jealous grumpy grim look He had on before, He had me kissing half the girls in the party, including a CD. Whatever makes Him happy. And He kind of shed a tear when He saw what i had done to my arm, so i figure He cares.

*

guess i'm much more fit to be a pet than a slave.

*
All i know is that i dont remember getting home, and that i had a bad hangover yesterday.

...
plus i woke up to the sound of Master having a discussion on the phone, with His mother, over me and the "bad" influence i am. Still because of the wedding incident, but whatever. But how foolish of them to say that my knickers were showing under the dress when i had on thick black stockings and nothing could really be seen. Blah!


...

After all the discussions were over, Master picked up His daughter and we all went to the park... i just took pictures.










Then we went to a "quermesse", a sort of winter party thrown around this time of the year by Catholic congregations. i just love the typical foods, so i got stuffed!



Some anime and a fuck (after over a week of nothing) and bed-time.

*
And another one this morning. Staying in bed all day with the one you love is fantastic. Then a walk to the restaurant, interesting conversations, and packing His bag. But He will be back tomorrow.

*
and i really should put things in place and clean up. But this weight on my chest overwhelms me, stranding me to the bed. So the day was spent editing music and photos... i guess i'll watch some anime now... or some TV. Nah, i'm too lazy to stay in the living room too.

*
i want my blackbirds to be bluebirds again...

One of my friends got sad at my behavior on saturday night. i know i shouldn't keep things in. i know i shouldn't hurt myself. And hell, i sure take my gigs seriously. i guess the only off part is that Master doesnt, and things are getting more and more serious... i seriously fear He may do something that will ruin it all for me. and that i do not know how i would take. Guess we will have to talk about this sometime.

*
i've been to the 1920's, the 40's and the 50's recently... i suppose that i have a crush on the 30's right now.


*
oh those lovely ladies of screen and song. Why can't i be a lovely lady too?

*
i know... something special.

*
tomorrow life will rush by again. As it always does. Night night...


*
"Perfection is a trifle dull. It is not the least of life's ironies that this, which we all aim at, is better not quite achieved." (W. Somerset Maugham).
*
(and i am still craving for new ink and piercings. Guess i will have to tattoo that arm next... that way i will stop cutting it up). Or glamour, give me glamour. And it will fill my life with joy!


*
listening to: Ruth Etting
eating: nothing, i'm too lazy to get up and the box of cereal finished
drinking: nothing, but i should before i get a headache.
wearing: still the same. Yeah, tell me i'm lazy. i know.
*
must have... glamour!and Him. Guess that it all comes down to that. i love Him, so i may rant and rant, but i'll stick around.
*
p.s.:feel free to comment on my most recent videos, here: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=rejoicesunshine
Enjoy!
*