Thursday, November 29, 2007

*oh no*

*
It's Thursday. And i woke up a blond.
.
I can't remember the last time i was in such a nasty mood. But that is because i am exhausted.
.
Yesterday my lunch was a hot-dog while i walked to school and i had dinner at midnight. I got up at 6:30 am and finished dying my hair at 1 am. I spent form 1 to 5 pm over a skirt and a dress and they aren't even half done. Get the picture?


(this took me 4 hours)
.
It will be a long day today, as well...

So let's make it a good one.
*
I guess a muscle relaxer and a tall latte would be the perfect way to jump-start today.
.
Saturday i travel. Time to sew, and rehearse.
.
(i never had time to bake those muffins)
.
But most of the laundry is done and everything is in it's place.
.
Except for me.
*
mood: exhausted
now playing: modest mouse
*

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

*
the moment He has nothing better to do He opens His arms to me. And i jump right in and stay there.


.


and i really don't know what to make of this.


.

it's going to be a very long day.
*

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

*i'll type for miles*

*
My words are all i have. But He won't listen. He won't be "bothered". He most definitly doesn't care about what i write. Even when i write it for Him.
...
So at night when He pushes me away and tells me to leave Him alone it breaks my heart a little more.
...
And there is very little heart left right now.
...
It's so sad that He won't even notice what He is doing... How i wish He knew what it feels like to be denied a kiss. A word. A moment. And to be ignored.
...
i am just too insecure. And jealous. Of Him, and His time, and my things.
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i have been an older sister all my life. And i am tired of sharing. i grew up to have my things, i started working to buy my own toys (how grown-up)... And i am constantly afraid He will take things i cherish away from me. It's an awful feeling.
.
When i was a child my parents couldn't afford much, so i rarely got what i wanted. I always had to wait, or earn the things i wished for myself. So how is it fair that He should take the things i love (and worked for) away from me to give to a girl that gets all she wants when she wants it?
.
Yes, Its petty of me. But it hurts, nonetheless.
...
I know He is tired from work. I have a life too. Which i pause, everytime that He is near.
...
But He will rarely stop for me. I'm probably only around because i'm a reasonable fuck. And a decent cook/housekeeper.
...
No matter what i do, it's barely enough. He won't acknowledge it.
.
So words don't count, do they?
...
i type because i never talk.
*
"they're playing love songs on the radio tonight
I can't relate to that right now
note to self : no one cares. your voice is average
in worried piles I typed for miles and you just stood there
I will begin
I will put right
this morning terror
I have been kissed
between the ears
by human error
leave me here to my devices
I need a word to change my life
...
leave me here to my devices
I can't think with all this noise
they're playing love songs on your radio tonight
I don't get those songs on mine"
(I typed for miles - Jets to Brazil)
*
i feel lonely.
*

*morning new disease*

*
It's Tuesday, after all. Mondays are always so fucked up. I mean, chores, and chores and chores. And work. And well, cooking yummy things because it was a long long day.
.
Yesterday i realized that exercise has become part of my routine. It no longer takes planning to do it. i hope eating properly soon becomes another acquired good habit. Skipping meals and eating whatever just to keep going have been a part of my life for too long.
.
Besides, cooking is fun. Although i can be very peculiar. It's one of those things i like to do alone, unlike eating, which is a "the more the merrier" situation. And there must be music. Ok, there always must be music.
.
Maybe it's because i'm getting older, or maybe it's just a phase. But i am getting to be more of a loner day-by-day. Being alone with myself is something i must do, even if it is only for half-an-hour. No, not alone. Me and the music.
.
Yeah, i know. I'm strange.
*


*
Yup, the weekend was something. Like, what?!. Going to Luxuria in only my birthday suit and a bell belt made me think a lot about my self-awareness. It is nil. So i keep wondering if i had had to do such a thing in some other time of my life if it would have bothered me. Disturbingly, the answer is no. Is this the result of my early years in a "peace and love" community or is it something personal? My mother is somewhat a prude, so it's definitely not her influence. Well, its is disturbing, nonetheless.
.
Fun. Ok, sitting naked on the floor under a huge air-conditioner wasn't. But walking around in chains, dancing a bit and discussing the relation between fashion and art (with no clothes on, remember) was really fun. And honestly, i've felt more undressed in other situations.






.
Saturday was a bitch. We got home at 6:30 am. So i only had time for a shower and some coffee and then i was off to work. And dance class.

.
Master met me up for lunch at this tiny little Taco store i had been wanting to go to for some time. The place may be super small, but they make some really tasty tacos.
.
Work again. Damn, its less than a month to xmas!
.
Instead of going home after work, i wanted to go to the mall. McDonald's for dinner (junkie), a few kitchen trinkets and a movie at home. And then finally, i caught my zzzzzzzz's.
*
Don't you just love it when Sundays are lazy? i only woke up when He brought me a cheese and tomato sandwich around 2 pm. So sweet... And afternoon sex. That is maybe the best part of Sunday. To top off a lazy lazy day, we went out for dinner with friends. Yeah, at Liberdade. i had been craving that fried tofu for weeks, and i love to eat at Chi Fu. You know, an authentic Chinese restaurant. Complete with sleazy floors, tacky decor and non-fluent in our language waitresses.
.
Oh we ate, and ate and ate... Ginger chicken, chicken with vegetables, fried leeks with garlic, sweet and salty fried tofu and rice. All chopstick-licking delicious.



.
But of course it couldn't be complete without an embarrassing moment. That is, if i felt embarrassed easily, and i don't. What? Picture two giggling Chinese girls interrupting our meal, while i chewed a mouthful of something, to show each other my facial piercings, and to ask me if it had hurt. While they spoke Chinese to each other and giggled more, the Mister thought it would be amusing to show them my nipple ring which only provoked many more "oh's" and "ah's" from them. "You very strong" said one of the them, as they giggled away.
*
It's the last week of November. Less than a month to X-mas. Guess i better be in my best behavior if i want Santa Baby to bring me some goodies.
...
There is a lot more of xmas shopping to do... At least i think i found something He will like. i want Xmas to be special for Him, even if i won't be around. I mean, Christmas is all about feeling like a child again. i hope i got it right, this time.
...
And i ordered myself an gift today. Another corset. Yay for waist training!
*
I'm trying to be cheerful and to stay in the spirit of things. Saturday i travel to Salvador to dance, and Sunday i am back. But the cotton-candy cloud surrounding me just gets thicker and thicker, and things get more and more distant and the thing that makes me feel the most alive are these constant headaches... Yes, there is beauty in life. But finding life beautiful is a constant exhaustive exercise.
.
"I am dreaming of a life and I am dreaming of waking up
there's this anger rising cancer in me standing like a wall between
the waking world I seek and this infected plane of sleep
love come like an axe to all this ice and set me free
there's a black rewarding book
beneath this stiff sheet if you look carefully
...
just keep thinking the same clean thoughts and keep telling yourself it's allright
I am dreaming of a life and it's not the life that's mine
in a stolen car I rocket west out past that Jersey line and the robots in their riot gear glimmer in my rearview mirror
love came like an axe and had her way with this coarse earth
and a small deserving book she was recovered and understood and I awoke"
(Morning New Disease - Jets to Brazil)
*
At least for today, i got my fill of cute. While i returned from the bank i ran into this, and i had to hold myself not to scream... Kawaii!!! It must be the cutest bath kit ever. And dirty cheap. So now its mine.
And after a "yammy" salad (cuz' there is yam in it, duh!), guess i should get back to that To-Do list.
*
Maybe i'll make some cute muffins tonight.
*
Mood: squished
Now playing: Ok Go!
Drinking: Ginger and cinnamon tea
*

Thursday, November 22, 2007

*and if we counted our blessings as we count our days.. (dance, dance, dance to the radio).*

*
I started writing this post yesterday, as i felt the first signs of hypo mania. A day later, i feel it roar inside me. The "Fuck-Off" knob has been turned to the max, and i cannot think straight. All that anxiety, the feeling my skin is two sizes too small, the nervous eating (i just ate 4 huge celery stalks to avoid something more caloric, and now i feel sick), the irritation... But tonight is the Fetish Party. And i am trying, oh i swear i am, to be agreeable. The week is almost over, i am going to miss my tap-dance class tonight because i am afraid to come back home alone at 10 pm, and i am tired.
.
This was a long week. And i think it will be a long night. Specially if i wear only my birthday suit to the party as He desires, later on.
.
Yes, i think this will be very interesting.
*
"We would go on as though nothing was wrong
And hide from these days to remain all alone
Staying in the same place, staring all the time
Touching from a distance, further all the time"

Transmission - Joy Division

*

*
Did you count your blessings this year? What are you thankful for? Its the day after Thanksgiving, and second only to Yom Kippur, i find it to be the most beautiful holiday (in meaning, at least) of all. Unfortunately, it is not a tradition in South America, much less in Brazil. But we are a receptive culture. And hopefully, in time, we will assimilate yet another North-American tradition.
.

I am thankful for:

- Being curious and creative, and loving Arts and Crafts.
- Being Healthy. Ok, i'm not THAT healthy, but that is mostly my fault and easily fixed.
- Having a changeable nature. Bad? Maybe sometimes, but it prevents me from developing any real bad habits and addictions. Like smoking or doing drugs.- Not being a picky eater. And loving to cook
- The education my parents gave me. Although i am no longer a nice Christian girl, the principles i learned from being a missionary in my early years are still here.- Being loved.
- Dancing. And dance classes. And music. I am very thankful for music.
- Finding beauty in unusual places.
- Having a computer available and an internet connection. I have learned so much through the internet.
- Having a job. For working at a place with such cool people where my "uncommon" nature is appreciated and where i can be and look like myself. And for my Dad having taught me to be an English teacher, which has kept me financially in all moments.
.
Oh i was feeling so well yesterday. Where did that feeling go? And why the hell am i drinking vinegar? Go figure.*

*
So, the week. Monday felt like the whole of it, it was hectic. Probably because i decided to do all that needed to be done on the same day. And to work out. And i cooked all morning for the sake of my health. I guess these have been the first 5 days in months that i had over 3 meals a day, every day. And i haven't had any chocolate in its pure industrialized form since Sunday. My oh my.
.
Tuesday was a holiday. So He played with me, and then slept. I did more chores, and we went out for lunch. And grocery shopping. Out of nowhere Marta Stewart took over my body and i made (yeah, i MADE) our x-mas tree. Arts and crafts are fun. And pan pizza for dinner.
.
Wednesday... Gym, farmers market, laundry, work, chores. Having class, teaching class, eating. Cooking and eating take up a lot of time, specially when you cook cute. I cooked up a simple dinner, and played Cooking Mama till bed time.


.
I have been sleeping too little. All for the sake of getting things done. But now i eat when i feel faint. So i have been working out to make up for it. And sleeping in my corset to get the necessary 8 hours minimum for waist-training. My waist has reduced less than i expected, but i was wearing the corset very little. So far, i went from 64 to 61 cm. How far do i want to go? 50.
.
Thursday was a beautiful day. Early morning sex, coffee, going to the dentist, then looking for certain ingredients (i finally got those poppy seeds!), then making Omuraisu for lunch. Photoshop for food photos, using the computer and ditching jazz class to go to work. (Argh!). I made us a some Pasta with blue cheese and broccoli for dinner, and we watched Control.

.
Which may be the reason i woke up depressed. Not exactly depressed, but annoyed. Very annoyed. So i tried to walk it off on the treadmill. Didn't work. I did all my chores, like a good girl, and ate healthy things at the right time.
I took a nice hot shower, I started a project which i have been procrastinating on (a dress), and i went to work. Not only i taught todays classes, but left my material ready and prepared for tomorrow morning and (finally) worked on a tattoo design.
...
Guess i get productive when i am annoyed.
.
And all that leads to now. I'm too wound up to sleep, too mentally tired and hectic to do anything productive and alone till at least 11 pm. Guess i'll read food porn till then, now that i have a belly full of celery. Yeah, i know that that fuck-off button is on, but i'm not gonna binge on bread and pasta if i am gonna go out later in only my birthday suit. And maybe the fact i'm not working tonight, and only got one gig scheduled till the end of the year is also making me feel frustrated. Dunno.
*
Whatever.
*
Feeling all these things at the same time is terribly distressing. I want to dance till my feet bleed, to play Pump it Up and Puyo Puyo, Animal Crossing and Cooking Mama, eat and eat and eat, to do all my Christmas shopping in two hours, to fuck till my bits are numb, to get into a fight, to beat someone up, to drink till i fall, to jump, to dive into a pool, to see the sun rise, to have an extra-hot bloody mary, to sleep till i can no more, to watch something funny, to watch something sad, to laugh with my friends, to be alone, and to listen to music so loud i cannot hear myself thing... and now...
.
If it doesn't wind off till tomorrow morning, after the party, i'll take something. Otherwise... i fear i may get hurt. In some way.
*
mood: hypo maniac, anti-social and dangerous.
now playing: nothing. i don't know what i want to listen to right now.
*
(guess it's time to start getting serious about Xmas shopping.)
*
Mars turned retrograde yesterday. Uranus turns direct tomorrow. All we can do is wait and see.
*
P.s.: Remember those zombie photos i never posted? I was keeping them for a day i felt like today. So here they are. And this is how i feel...







*
i need to feel glamorous. You know... beautiful and special. Nothing like i feel now. I know, i know... next week. i have grown tired of this numbness. I want to feel, to feel!!!

(so how should i wear my hair tonight?)

"Its getting faster, moving faster now, its getting out of hand,
On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, its a no mans land,
Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now, -
Ive got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow.
What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again,
Im watching you, Im watching her, Ill take no pity from you friends,
Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling,
Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling,
Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling."

(Disorder - Joy Division)

*
Have a good weekend. Shabat Shalom.
*

*LUXÚRIA*

*
(its tomorrow)



*
"Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me Don't let me out of your sight I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite So don't let me have any rights ... This world is forcing me to hold your hand" *
What is your fetish? - http://www.projetoluxuria.com.br
*
And have fun, after all, it is the weekend.
*
mood: pink (and feeling like a marshmallow)
now playing: just a girl - no doubt
*
this week has been "wow". Its one of those days when the world is a beautiful place to be... But that is also known as "mania". Nyo! So i'm making Omuraisu for lunch. Or better, I'm gonna try.

*
Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving for those in USA. No such thing in Brazil, unfortunatelly.
*
Weeeeee!!!



*
(ok, a real post will follow... sometime soon. :P)
*