Monday, December 31, 2007

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Just waiting for my friends to pick me up for us to go to the beach, a very brazilian way of celebrating the NewYear.

Have a great one! Feliz 2008.

Inspiration:


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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

*Trying to figure it all out (i wanted to make people happy)*

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i spent most of the day offline as the connection was dead. That was hard. Very, very, very hard. Argh!
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After all, my camera hadn't died. But there is something wrong with it, which makes me sad.
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Oh well, after all that stress and all was just an effect of the heat. It was so hot and stuffy. It still is. i think i could never live here again, the climate is awful. The air humidity is 94% right now, and it is not raining.
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No, i will NOT rant today. i'm a bit sad at being in such a bad mood last night. It was Xmas, after all, and we even had Supper, for the first time ever. Its rewarding to cook when people actually enjoy food, even if it is stressing to have Mom tamper with my recipes.
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And i think my brother didn't like his gifts so much. The jacket was too small and must be exchanged, and he didn't want the necklaces i gave him, because they are related to Umbanda. Too bad. But there is always e-shopping, so i can make up for it.
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Yup, i would like to be able to please at all times.
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Another Christmas is over... Happy Birthday Christianity.
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"Hey still staring little girl, are you looking at or past me? Worry. Simple symptoms won't leave you this underweight or red in the eyes. No more rules, the ones we make don't last the night. So pick up the pieces. Start again, start over tuesday morning. Conscience clean. This card, postmarked December 23. The caption reads:"How does he do it?" Ms. too bad he treats me like i'm dead. Nothing works to make this easy. No more lies. The ones we live will work just fine. So pick up the pieces. Start again, start over tuesday morning. Conscience clean, alone. I hope you figure out what it is you want."

(Christmas Card - Jimmy Eat World)
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Ok. Holiday cheer, holiday cheer. (i lost it somewhere, has anyone seen it?
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Its hard to think about this final week. I am so focused on what is to come. i am glad for us being well, even if i still am insecure (yes, i know i repeat myself). And looking foward to the vacation course i will take, even if it screws up my everything. To learn new things, to go back to college. It would be so good.
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My resolution list is ready. Next year will be awesome, as far as i am concerned. That is... with a little bit of luck. i will be doing my best, and hoping for the right opportunities to come my way. i am finally a SG, and maybe that can open one or two doors.
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Hopefully, great things will happen.
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Yeah... the Xmas holiday... let me see.
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Yesterday i stayed up after posting. Had coffee, took a shower, wanted to go out early. But my mother insisted to go with me (and oh, she can be so nervewrecking sometimes, and annoying. She is stubborn, speaks too loud, never admits to be wrong, and is a drama queen. But i love her, nonetheless, after all, its Mommy.). So i waited, and waited, and waited. And then she insisted on taking me to all these places to show off her little girl to all her acquaintences.
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Oh well...
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The heat wasn't any good for me, but i tagged along. As we had left late, and it was Christmas eve, we had little time before the shops closed. i ended up buying myself one more gift: a cute little red purse. i defintely have an accessory fetish.
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And just to make sure Santa would be nice to me, i was nice to him. Sometimes he's actually nicer to naughty than to nice girls. Specially when they are nice and naughty.
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At the mall:

This is the place that made me. Love this library:


After going to the market, we came home. i surfed the web, rested a bit, and so on... Then my brother said he would have to leave this morning. My parents weren't very happy, after all they really wanted to celebrate with both of us, so i suggested we make a late late supper. And so we did.
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At 3 am there was food. And there there were gifts. Mom loved hers, some shoes and a mirror with lots of professional tweezers, Dad laughed at his, plus a bottle of dope, and well, somehow i am sure my bro was disappointed. So i'm online looking for something that will make it feel like Xmas, for real.

Family is something complicated at times...


Brothers.
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Then mom gave me my gifts. Dolls, dolls and more dolls, lots of things for the house, undies, pajamas, a purse. A whole lot of things, even a perfume. She is amazing. But honestly, my favorite was the antique cooking book my father gave me. From my parents, that is. i got lots of amazing gifts this year, and can't wait to receive His...

Remember i wanted a Hippo for Xmas? Well, this was the closest i got to it:

Dolls galore:
Undies, pajamas and home stuff.

This book rocks!And the purse from my bro....
i woke up late today. Its Xmas, right? So i stayed in. i really wanted to do stuff online, but the internet was down all day. So i just read this and that, edited some photos (when i finally managed to copy the photos to the PC) and made a very late lunch/early dinner.
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My other brother brought his girlfriend home, and since there was no internet, we had fun looking at our kiddie photos and remembering funny episodes. She is a sweet girl, so i was glad for that.
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But then the internet returned, and back to the computer i came. As the Mister is away, i feel lonely, so i am using this time to get to know my online friends better. But then again, why would one of them, someone who is usually sweet to me be an ass? Someone must be using her login, definitely.
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Guess that is all. Even though i could still use a stiff one (a drink, i mean) i'm feeling a bit better.
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Hopefully, i'll survive my astrological hell.
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There are things to be done tomorrow, so Good night, and Good luck.
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i feel stuffed. And fat. So i am glad i have my corset on.
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Mood: Sleepy. A bit weary. And restrained.
Now playing: nothing, its 3 am.
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Merry Kwanzaa.
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*merry f***ing xmas*

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merry xmas.
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we started making supper at 10. i tried to make the sides, but my mom found a way to tamper with my dishes.
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the reason we decided to make supper was because my brother has to leave one day earlier.
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we never make supper.
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i'm melting. Its incredibly hot and i want to scream.
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i think my camera is dead. It wont transfer any pictures to any computer.
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A couple days ago i read something about astrological hell... i guess it was right.
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Oh well, at least the food should be good. And there are the presents. And i'm about to take a shower.
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So Merry F***ing Xmas. This is just the limit of my holiday cheer. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
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Monday, December 24, 2007

*Tomorrow is Christmas Day*

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Isn't that just swell?
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Random:
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So... its 5 am, and i finally get a little privacy. That's the thing about my parents house. i love them, but there is no such thing as giving someone their own space and time. You know... Jewish/Italian family. And what is there to be done? Nothing but going to bed really before 1o pm to get up at 3 for some private time.
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And i could finally see my SG set. I'm really happy with it, Pulse is an amazing photographer and i can't wait for it to go up. Its cute and pink and got a nostalgic feel to it. And that is all that's gonna be said about it until the D day comes, ok? And no peeking, whatsoever.
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A girl has to do what a girl has to do. And that is to send out holiday cheer and Christmas wishes to the world in the silence of the night.
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Its only been two days and i miss Him like hell. That sucks. This year was hard on me, emotionally. Our fights, His rampants of wanting to end things, having the contract ripped... i have become very very very insecure and vulnerable. Over the past few months i have bursted out into tears in the most awkward moments. i have lost a lot of the trust i had in people (which is so sad) and felt as if i could count on no one. i felt lonely and on my own. When i was hurting very bad i blocked a lot out, and now i have a hard time enjoying sex, again. i don't to be cold... it took me so long to feel anything and well, sex is a good thing. Maybe its because of Venus in Capricorn, maybe because some men hurt me so much and so deeply in the past anything feels like a big deal. What i do know is that now things are well. He has been the sweetest lately, and even spoke once more of the branding. So what i really want now is to feel safe again. Safe enough to let go and have a great time because that is what we both deserve. Damn, i love Him. Even my friends say that i seem a lot more in love with Him now than this time last year. So why can't i feel safe? i want that back, next year.
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And as soon as this post is up i'm off to exercise away those calories. Or maybe not. Sending out holiday greetings takes a long time.
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i hear a rooster somewhere near.
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"There's Christmas cheer, enough to last you three whole years
There's the mistletoe, if you were me I think you would know

There's something about the way you spend your Christmas
There's something about the way you care
There's something about the way you kiss

A little goes a long way
A little goes a long way
A little goes a long way
A little goes a long way on Christmas Day
A little goes a long way
A little goes a long way
A little goes a long way
A little goes a long way on Christmas Day"
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The past few days...
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Friday could have been organized. i spent so much time recording things and on the internet i had very little time to pack, so i left behind a few things i wanted to have brought. We had tacos and nachos for lunch at a really nice small place downtown, and spent as much time together as possible. At 9 pm, i was off.
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The bus seemed to take forever to arrive here. It was an almost 10 hour ride, because of the stops and because i forgot to check the intinerary and had picked the longest route. That won't happen again.
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By coincidence, my brother decided to travel on the same day as i. So i waited for him at the bus station for another hour so we could arrive together. Around 8:30, we were here.
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Saturday. Breakfast and unpacking. i think my mother must be part racoon because she has the habit of never getting rid of anything. So everything was quite messy... now i know where not only my (sometimes excessively bitter) sarcasm, but also my habit of procrastination come from. So i had to wait for her to finish cleaning my brothers room so that i could unpack. Yup, i tried to help, but meanwhile, me and my bro cooked lunch. i mean, he made the crepes while i seasoned the beef and made a large salad of lettuce and onion and another of tomatoes, palm heart and mozzarella cheese. The filling was ground beef stir-fried in olive oil with garlic and red peppers and then dressed with a little orange juice, butter and milk cream. Yum yum.



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(The day is dawning)
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Spent the rest of the afternoon doing this and that. Then an old friend called, and we went out. There are very few left here, real friends... We went to some old acquaintances house, and i had way too much bad beer while they played Scotland Yard. Maybe too many, but the night was unbearably hot due to the humidity. i hate the weather here. So many insects, so suffocating. After all, this city is a little below sea level. Argh! After that we left for a bar, and it was strange to walk around downtown here... Outside this house, its almost as if i had never lived here. Everything is strangely unfamiliar, as spending vacation in a place you visited decades ago. Now, more than ever, i do not belong here. Anyway, i had a decent blood mary and an awful margarita. We talked and talked and talked. And when they closed the bar, we went for a drive. One more beer and something to eat, and then i was finally back. i finished putting up the Xmas tree and then slept.



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Funny that i actually had to change before going out. i mean, the clothes i wanted to wear would have been too much. This is really a wicked little town. But my bro already gave me my xmas gift. Love my new purse! Fun!

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Woke up after midday. It was so familiar being slightly hungover and waking up late on Sunday. i have many memories of similar times. Maybe too many. Funny... this mirror is as old as i am. Luckily, time has been more gentle on me.


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After a big lunch, internet. Resting, and a long shower. We had that late celebration of my mothers birthday, so i helped bake some stuff. Around here my mom usually has me do the chopping, so i chopped away... My dad got me this amazing vintage cookbook. And then the relatives arrived. My brother got the guitar and played Happy Birthday and i sang while i hugged my mom. It was a warm, touching moment i will treasure for a long time.




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But then the family would just not go away. When the last ones finally left, i went to sleep.
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It's Christmas eve, isn't it? i always have the hardest time sleeping on this day.
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There is a beautiful day ahead of me, but i don't know what to make of it. i'll probablz go shopping for ingredients now. And maybe... i'll go ride a bike. i haven't done so in 13 years. And now is as good a time as ever.
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Merry Christmas and Fucking Awesome New Year. This has been some year, and i know the next will be even more incredible! And hey, dont you go around being a grinch tonight! At least enjoy the food. And let the good times roll!
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And as promised, here is a Xmas gift to anyone who takes his/her time to care about what goes on in my life.








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Have a good one!
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Mood: sleepless and weary. Nostalgic. And missing Him.
Now playing: Christmas Day - MXPX
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