Monday, September 26, 2011

*Picking up my own slack*

After a restful and odd weekend, here I am, lying on my new futon matress. My closet is set up (albeit my clothes still being in boxes) and so is my new pc (although I fail at installing windows, so it's no use till my brother saves me from linux). I dunno if my furniture will actually fit in here, but I hope it does.
I have a huge pile of porn to watch and call it work. And stuff to write. And so on... And I need to put things in the room. But since I don't know what to do first (the urgent stuff is done, ok!!!)... I'll just stay here staring at the ceiling a little longer, wondering what is next.
Oh, and dear ex... Don't be a jerk. Being bitter has never suited you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

*Everyone hurts, sometimes*

2 months...

It's been two months my world fell apart and I have had to be strong
I had to find a place to live (and share a house with a stranger for the first time)
I'm still looking for a job
My stuff is all in boxes and I have nothing to wear
I've been sleeping on the tiny couch for the past 20 days because I have to finish the floor in my bedroom, therefore I have to adapt my bedtime to my housemate's tv habit (and I wake up at 5 am)
I'm trying to figure out who I am on my own

Things have turned an 180... it all feels strange.
And I feel lonely. It happens to everyone, I know. Someday when I'm ready I'll tell the world how it all happened.
He deserves for me to tell.... But not now.
Now I've shut into a shell for the day, earphones on because the housemate is chatty.

I've been sick for the past month and more... no more health insurance, so I haven't seen the doctor.
It's all a mess. A litlle routine would be nice.

Performing this Friday will do me good. Its a Roxie Hart type of love, but love nonetheless.

So here I am. Feeling more lost than Alice, more hopeful than Pollyanna, more jaded than a heroin addict. I am the weaker end for whom it ended badly.

I miss having the focus to study. I miss dance classes and regular exercise. I miss the vocal exercises. I miss Sunday nights spent cuddling and eating candy in front of a random movie. I miss obsessing about silly things as my body and dieting. I miss tightlacing. I feel... shapeless. And I have no idea of how much I weigh.

I don't miss wearing the cuffs and anklets. I don't miss having someone else telling me what to or not to wear. And now that I am "free", I really need me a pair of doc martens (not that I can afford them, but still). Stat.

I think I'm about ready to cry now. I only cried once, for real. So far.
It's just strange to no longer be a "we".

I'll get over it. But tonight, my chest is heavy with anguish.