Monday, June 25, 2012

Not half empty

My little cup of sadness is just about to overflow... I just can't afford desperation right now. It has never done me any good.
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The boy slept over last night. It was the first time someone has ever refused to have sex with me because I'm on the rag. I know I wasn't very assertive about it... but thinking about it afterwards... it sucks.
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Welcome back to feeling all alone, Sweetie.

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Now find a job and go pay some bills.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

*hush hush*

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It had been a while since the last time I had to swallow something I was about to spit out. This time, for the sake of my group.
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Fun fact. Just as I start to think of people as more than acquaintances recently, they blurt out it's just a work relationship, and to not mix things. So I'm not mixing things. Bringing me down to about... 0 friends? Real friends, I mean. Boyfriends aren't friends, it's different.
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So I guess work is my friend. And the internet is my friend. as is coffee and pain killers. The audience is my friend, for those brief seconds of applause. And that's that. Family is family and romantic relationships are romantic relationships. And I'm feeling sour right now.
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As for the words I've been holding down... I give myself till Sunday. If the people at the club I've been working for my group's sake treat me the same once again, I'll have to make a decision. I've been treated much better and earned a lot more earlier in my carreer. I'm not on stage to beg. I'm on stage to make a stand.


Maybe I am too immersed in Korean culture. And maybe I am watching to many dramas. I've never been so restrained as to human contact before...

Or maybe it's just me.
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Saturday, June 16, 2012

*I wish... a wish*

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Wishlist for June 2012

- more space. I feel cramped and the mess makes it worse. If I could find a space to keep clear to stretch and rehearse daily, it would be easier.
- new hi-top sneakers. Been using the same pair, 3-4 times a week, since February. I love them. But I could use another pair.
- to get back to 59 kg. And then back to 56. But being 59 again would be great.
- a pair of pink boyfriend jeans. Thanks to this videoclip...
- a friend. A few friends. A group of friends. I have acquaintances.
- an oppa.
- A decent paying job. Being unemployed sucks, but I'm glad I got out of a job that was sucking the life out of me for spare change. Not the job itself, but the commute. But now I need another one. Before I have to start chosing between making rent and eating.
- Books on burlesque. The hard to find, good, expensive ones.
- Korean cosmetics. Aka, god's gift to women.
- A weekend to indulge and to be pampered. All expenses payed, of course. Superficial, I know. But I'm a girl most of the time, not a woman.

Back to the to-do list. I'm going to a fashion show to treat my eyes a little today. And I'm getting myself a bottle of chum-churum. 10 bucks may be pocket change to most, but to me, these days, it's an indulgence.
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*3 out of 5*

After watching 2 whole seasons of Dream High it was my turn to step on an important stage yesterday. I'm not sure if getting 3 no's out of 5 judges on one of those variety game shows is a failure. But I'm repinning motivationals of failure like a mad woman right now. While I do my duties as the head of my group, of course.
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I know all that crap about failure is being afraid to try. I was nervous as fuck, and there were a bunch of issues. But I did the best I could in the shoes I was wearing, despite the music being super short, despite the skirt being too long, despite the stage. I knew there would be at least a no. But 3? Meh.
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After I danced on a tv show I had never even watched, I was humming Love High in the dressing room, putting my stuff away, remembering all the scenes in Dram High when the characters fail in auditions. And then an intern walked in and gave me soom advice, which is what has me thinking till now: "Getting a no is a great opportunity to reflect on what you're doing. Treasure it and use it".
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I'm still like... wha...?
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I'm afraid that, as a slow and dislexic learner, I may not internalize or grasp whatever lesson I could learn from yesterday. Yeah, dance in steady shoes. Sure, wear a costume that you're used to. Never forget your flask so that you can have a sip to relax before going on stage. All crutches.
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I wonder what else I can get out of the experience besides heartache. I'll see if at least I can get some better paying gigs after it airs, in about 20 days. :(
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I'll go from Love High to listening to this on repeat. I'm ok. Just a bit sad. But still ok.
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Gotta keep on moving. I did what I could. I came home and stuffed my face and fell asleep early. Woke up before dawn, showered, took the gunk off my face, and am doing what I have to. Sure, the mess around me is overwhelming. To the point I can't deal with it. But I made promises, and I always go above and beyond to keep those.
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So another moment to breath, and I'll clear some space to sew.
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Sunday, June 3, 2012

*I feel... green*

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No, silly. Not green as in eco-friendly. Green as in unprepared. Green as in full of envy. Green and blue.
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I finished watching Flower Boy Ramyum Shop just now. I'll start watching Dream High 2 to try to sleep. Korean dramas are chaste. And romantic. And make me feel lonelier tonight.
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The Kabaret was a success. I should be enjoying it. But I was in a foul mood last night, and apparantly I still am. I was sweaty, and tired, and I had a drink before applying eyeliner. So I broke my golden rule. And it wouldn't come out straight.
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The performances were fun, to perform and to watch. And extremely erotic since that was the theme for our little Porn Résistance bunker. My brother was there, we had good laughs, and I got lost over and over. And then I performed again. i just don't remember doing so. Ah... alchohol.

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You know how exhausted you are when you fall asleep with half a pastry in your hand. True story.
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And then you wake up, reorganize your thoughts, prepare your workshop, drink a ton of coffee to fight that nasty hangover and go. With war paints on, you just go.
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The Burlesque Sensuality workshop was another success. We had an eager crowd, and I felt they learned something. And they had a ton of fun. I did.
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Maybe I'm just tired. I'll write tomorrow. And study. I wish the boy had come over as he promised to do, but he didn't. I'm a big girl. And I'm keeping strong emotions at an arms length. Like a trooper. Like an Asian. Like a fool.
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Damn this wishful thinking.
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Gratitude? Everything went smoothly this weekend. Nuff' said.