Thursday, August 23, 2012

Things nice girls don't say

but that we do think them, we do.

- it's not so much that I'm in a lot of pain from the cramps, but more like I'm bleeding like a wounded animal and would rather not have to move around with a pool of blood between my legs.
- I'm gonna stop answering your sorry ass right now because all the things I write come out snarky and I rather not regret it later so I keep on deleting my answers. And that's why I'm finally silent.
- If it were legal I'd be bashing your head in now with a baseball bat, bitch.

and many others.

I'll keep this one post updated as I go. It should be an interesting list to keep.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Some people are like Mary Poppins' doppleganger

And I'm not talking about your regular killjoy. I'm talking about those people who seem nice at first but when you have to work with them make even the most fun event feel like a chore.

A fucking chore.

Because if there is one thing that steals the glory out of anything it's bureaucracy. It's taking yourself too seriously. It's the certainty that you are better than anyone else.

Seriously, I got some of these people stuck in my throat right now. And just the sight of their name puts me in a sour mood. I really got to figure out what to do about it before this escalates to the point I AM going to bash their heads in with a chair.

Or just walk away. Even if walking away isn't a choice.
It's supposed to be fun, people. Lighten up. And stop putting people down for your own entertainment.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

*back in the game*

The dating game, that is. Not that I ever was really all that out. But the boy "broke up" with me over facebook yesterday. Second time in a row someone breaks up with my while I'm shooting something. Well, in this case he didn't even bother breaking up. He just changed his facebook status to single. Luckily, I was looking at the screen when it happened, so I kind of was the first to know.

Well, as the Scissor Sisters well put it, "let's have a Kiki".

It was over. Mostly because I don't have the energy or even actually want to invest in a relationship right now.

It's time to take care of myself. Period. And maybe go on a couple interesting dates in the process.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A matter of trust

One of the most frustrating things ever, to me at least, is feeling a group of people I work with does not trust my work.

And I mean frustrating to the brink of tears. Seriously. Constant questioning, undermining, handing over things I'd love to do to other people have me screaming on the inside. I need trust.

So I started thinking about trust issues. Before I start screaming outloud, or posting snarky comments online, and so that I can stop deleting half of the things I wish I was responding... time to look on the inside.

I'm having major trust issues. In a way I've never had before. Inner and outer trust issues. I'm upset by a bunch of bureaucrats who don't trust me, true. I don't trust my heart or friendship into their hands either. I started handing it over, and making myself at ease with them but some of our recent arguments screwed that up. And now I'm having issues because I do feel they do not trust my skills. Which is really the most upsetting thing for a workaholic.

All I got is work.

Double whammy. Ops, double insight.

- I'm not all that.  I have moments of genius, but the rest of the time, I'm quite average. I'm cute, I'm funny and I'm hyperactive. I'm also vain, annoying and superficial. And lazy. Time to be humble and really study,    to really pick people's brains. Kintaro Oe put it well: Study, study, study!

- I don't trust myself. Because I know I'm a poser, and I know how lazy I can be, I don't trust myself. Therefore, I'm paranoid others will find out how much I don't know and feel angry they won't trust me. Let those who know, do, dammit. And start trusting yourself to be hardworking and earnest. There's more worth in that. Let the random anonymous dudes online suck up to you and pamper your ego.

I hope this is one of those internal snaps, when one really changes. It would be nice growing up just a bit more. And being less lazy. Admitting I don't know won't make me less special or delightful to be around. Now I get it.

Still, a little bit of praise for small things, when it comes to working with me, goes a looooooooong way in making me want to try harder. Criticizing me is making me shut myself in my own little shell of pain. And that is something decades of therapy may never cure. But I can try.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

fucking trust issues

yesterday I started taking into account how fucked up my trust issues really are. I've been finding it really hard to connect and relate to people, but I hadn't considered that as a factor. Then, bam! Yeah, it's a real thing.

I'll blame the former bestie, she who shall not be named, for this one. After saving my ass last year when my ex threw me out, she snapped and went berserk on me, revealing her own nature. As ugly as that nature is, the shock of seeing her true self was a lot bigger than the fact we are no longer friends. As I've seen around online, I miss the person she used to be.

So I've been having issues with some of the people I'm working with in my burlesque group. Big issues. Trust issues. Issues as in they're painfully rude and say the most hurtful things. And I do take those to heart. I've even been pushing the boy away, half bored, half afraid to commit at all.

And here I was wondering why it seemed I have no friends. Well, hon, you're not letting anyone near you! I'm still feeling a bit awkward around my friends/producers, but I do see them as friends now. I mean, they've been watching over me (and half spoiling me, both of them) since wednesday, and it's not because anyone expects it of them or because they don't have anything better to do. But because they want to.

Well, it takes getting really sick to see who are the people who care for your well being. I should have known. I'll try to be nicer to others from now on as well. Lesson learned.

I just need the taquicardia to go away.

Friday, August 3, 2012

and an UTI almost killed me

No, seriously. Ok, maybe it didn't kill me. But if it hadn't been for my good friends/producers I'd still be curled at home in a flaming ball of pain.

See, thing is I'm used to being feverish. Or having a bit of a fever. And I shouldn't. Because one night of fever became two, and then three. And when abdominal pain and god awful migraines joined the party on the third night, I thought they would go away on the next day. But they didn't.

And on the fourth day (I was transported back to my missionary childhood this morning reading Robert Crumb's Genesis, don't mind me) me and the producers had a meeting with a big cable network. I felt ok. For a little bit. As long as I wasn't standing.

Yeah, right. Me being ok turned into me passing out in the mall and sweating out my soul later that night. So, lucky me, my friends, the producers, insisted on taking me to the hospital. And even luckier we found a public hospital that wasn't crowded and that could produce my exam results on the same day. And even even luckier I have the worst differential diagnostic skills. No, it was not appendicitis, nor dengue fever. It was "just" an UTI that went unnoticed for about a couple weeks and had spread, hi and lo. Yup, an UTI could have been the end of me.

Other exam results showed what everyone already knows. I have a shitton of piercings. I'm still anemic. And hypoglycemic. And had a raging fever of 102F (39C) when I hit the hospital. Almost enough to melt out my precious... brains.

So I'm spending the day at my friend's place, feeling like the sick kid at the aunt's house. A couple of doses into the antibiotics have me feeling a bit better, but not well enough to do much of anything. The taquicardia and the mental confusion are side effects, and are really unpleasant. The fever is gone, but some of the pain isn't, and my stomach is a wreck.

Meh, I'm forcing myself to rest. I even switched with another dancer for tomorrow night's gig. I'll be back mooning into the adult world soon enough. And I promise (to try) to never overlook a fever again.

I owe my friends, big time... wonder how I'll make it up to them. I don't like being a burden on anyone, but sometimes other people can take better care of you than yourself. Better rest well, so I can quickly be back on my feet!