Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Keeping my hopes up/down

Well, I met my deadline for my college assignment, but as I finished it at 6 am, showered and came to college, I'm not so sure about how many corrections I'm gonna have to make next week when I get it back.

It's hard to focus for a long time. Dieting is hard. Looking in the mirror and seeing a Robert Crumb amazon is harder. Not sleeping and writing all night has me famished... I must keep to this new healthy lifestyle, but how, with all this stress?

Robert Crumbs are burly. I'd rather just be cute.

Hmmm, vibe? Dunno. I realized in the shower today I haven't had any xxx in a month. Damn that cat eyed boy!

 Dieting on Halloween? Who cares? Oh yeah, I do.

If I could eat anything in the world right now... it would be... a bitter truffle? But that's healthy. Hmmmm, nah, I'd have a gourmet grilled cheese sandwich with roastbeef and pepper jelly. Damn myself and my lack of restraints.

Monday, October 29, 2012

That empty space...

It would seem like I'm just addicted to being in love. Because now that I'm over and mostly recovered from that pair of eyes... all there is is an empty space.

And what do I do with that space? That energy? Sure, I'm back to loving my little pink friend, but it's not the same. And if I thought I would apply that energy to getting my college work done, well, tough luck honey.

The wishing is still here. The wanting is still here. As I said, it's a matter of finding an object of affection, not the feeling of affection itself.

Shit is fucked up.

And I should get back to work. You know, the college work I've procrastinated and pretended to do all weekend. Damn.

Diet day 1: 69 kg
Hair colour: Pink with turquoise
MV of the day:

Saturday, October 27, 2012

TMI - and it's kind of random

One: I put a diesel green streak into my hair. Now I want the rest pastel pink.
Two: I'm fat.
Three: I need a day that goes like this song. Rhythm wise, at least.

Four: my pee smells like coffee.
Five: I need to stop procrastinating and actually work on my college final essay. I'm tired of being surrounded by papers. And I need to do laundry and stuff. It's just so overwhelming.
Six: The girl is really after me, or so it seems. Went for a coffee date yesterday, and then made out like a teenager on the street. And I'm still not sure.

Diet should start today. Not Monday. But today. Yeah, right.
I want to go study at CCSP. But my netbook can't take the workload. :(

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Today I was daydreaming and I thought that...

it would be curious to meet someone nice who has no idea of who I am and what I do. Not that I am famous or anything... but I'm all over the internet. Just saying.

it would be fun, exciting, scary and dangerous to date an asian gangster. But that is probably not the best idea.

that I am almost over it. Saw a picture of the cat eyed boy and his new girl and they are cute together. I'm sour about not having a better shot at his heart. But that's life. I'm just sour now. The hurt is ALMOST all gone.

that when I say I wish I had someone who liked me a whole lot it's unfair. Because there are such people. It's just that... well, you know. I don't like them back.

I should have some fun while I'm looking for the next pair of cat eyes. What can I say? I've always been into Asians.

Tomorrow I wake up extra early to dye my hair, take care of my skin, take a decent shower, shave and do my nails. I need some grooming.

Getting laid will have to wait till after we turn in our book to our college professors. Awell.

Sinfully fun. There's gotta be more apples out there for me to bite into.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

all we have is affection

It could just be me being crazy, but here's a theory.

We all have love to share. We all want to be the object of someone's affection. And I'm starting to think that, as long as there is chemistry and some kind of connection, it doesn't really matter to and from whom.

So it ends up being kind of random. If I make a connection but the person disappoints me in some manner, the intentions I had toward that person will be transferred onto the next one. Do I make any sense?

People follow patterns in their relationships. Maybe it's that. I usually end up with people who are good communicators. Especially online. Long conversations give me time to evaluate if I do or don't admire the person in some way. That's MY deal breaker. That and hands. Small, overly soft hands with not much of a grip do NOTHING for me. I like feeling small and helpless in someone's hands, so I rather they are on the big and rough side. But in the end, it's all about the grip.

And that's me. I have, as I guess everyone does, a series of criteria by which I will judge the person who approaches me suitable or not. Once I have checked for deal breakers (picky eaters, dumb fucks, bad communicators, small hands, i.e.) I'll get to the next steps. Cuddling is a must. So is enjoying cartoons. Not making fun of my trashy tastes is a plus. Sharing my trashy tastes makes the person a keeper. And so on.

Obviously, chemistry is the first element. The smell of the skin, the touch of the person's hands, the way their lips fit mine... You can't say these things aren't important. And sometimes, as perfect as a person may seem, there just isn't any chemistry. And that's called the friend zone. I know, it's sad.

Maybe these are just senseless rambles. I'm just trying to make my original point, I guess. All we have is affection. And maybe it doesn't really matter to whom we give it, as long as that person fits into the checklists we create. So maybe there isn't such a thing as "the one". We just settle for the one that fits us at that moment.

So maybe I should just get a cat, upgrade my vibrator, dedicate myself to my online sweethearts and call it a day.

But I do hope I'm wrong. I'm a sucker for love stories and romantic comedies.

Just so you know...

here's what really went down in one month.

"Girl feels lonely, girl hears of cute asian boy who happens to like her photos, girl decides to hook up with the cat eyed boy, girl gets bewitched by the cat eyes, girl and boy exchange a ton of messages on facebook and on the phone, asian boy starts making up a bunch of excuses and never shows up again, girl insists on a definite answer, boy changes his relationship status on facebook two days later. Girl is heartbroken and lonely again".

Guess I shouldn't watch so many dramas that paint one-sided love as something glamorous. Wait, who am I fooling? Meh.

I'll just keep on being my k-pop/otome/pinup/kinky/vintage/ott self until I find someone who not only deserves but appreciates all this.

Hey bro, I heard you like pin-ups, so here's a pin-up photo for you.

Blow me

I need to stop.

Stop blaming myself when this type of thing doesn't work out
Stop thinking I'm not good enough for someone nice
Stop feeling lonely. I like being alone.

I need more work. To get over with my final essay for college, to graduate, and fill my days with fun things like today, doing hair and makeup for a photoshoot. I love being on all sides of the camera.

But I still feel like this when I'm home.

Yeah, I'm really needy. So what? Should I just settle for what I can get? I miss a firm hand, but I love my freedom.

I'll go out with the girl another time. Just to be sure. I'm looking forward to the party on the 3rd. Even if just to have fun dancing and making new friends. A party I'm off duty.

And I'll put any serious dieting on hold till I'm done with school. Gotta learn to compromise, I guess.

Look at me... don't I deserve some love? Awwww, shucks.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Tell tales he`s/she`s bullshitting you

"I'm not ready for a relationship right now"
"I keep my heart in a safe, it's been crushed before"
"I don't like to expose myself"
"It's just that I don't think I can handle dating someone like you"

But posting a photo of yourself with the girl you're going out with on instagram is fine now, right?

Deep breaths, Sweetie. You're gonna rip that pair of cat eyes out of your heart soon enough. Focus on your college work and the people who do want to go out with you.

I should know the signs. When a guy will just take you to a motel or stay over at your place and never see you during the day, it's kind of a given. Damn. Time to start telling myself his hands were small and crap like that.

I deserve better.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

yeah, I`m lonely. Whatever.

Maybe it's because my loyal desktop is away, being saved. Maybe it's because that last cat-eyed boy that stole my heart left it at that and ran away from the perils of dating someone like me. Le sigh. Maybe it's just that I desperately miss lazy sundays filled with cuddles and yummy treats.

I have stuff to do today so I don't get to hang out with my friends. But that's ok. I'll be out making monies and teaching ladies to be sexy and making them laugh. And then I'll come home, buy something to eat alone and hang out with the zen inducing netbook.

I'll just cuddle with Fluffy. And Captain Cookie. And the rest of the gang of plush toys around here. And a bowl of icecream.

Once I hit the gym tomorrow, I'm sure I'll feel better. Right now, I just need to muster the strength to hit the showers.